Saturday, November 24, 2012

El Professore Movie Review: Blood Freak

Director: Brad F. Grinter, Steve Hawkes
Starring: Steve Hawkes
* * *

Apparently not only are drugs bad, but Turkey is the Devil's poultry in this one of a kind, pro religion, anti drug, horror splatterfest.

Full review after the jump.

The story... Herschell, a drifter with Elvis-like hair (Steve Hawkes - yes, the co director) passes by and helps a pretty lady named Angel who's car has broken down. Escorting her back to her house, Herschell comes upon a pot party in full swingy swing, hosted by Angel's wild sister Ann. Hersch is offered some of Ann's wild weed, but is more interested in Angel's views of God and Christianity (she's of the Bible Belt variety). He unwisely stays the night and it isn't long before he's under Ann's dippy spell (she's dumb as a bag of hammers, but yep, hot as hell). Arriving at his new job, Hersch discovers that he's to be a human guinea pig, testing chemically altered turkey meat. The scientists in charge assure him that it's perfectly safe (cough!). Diving straight in, Hersch consumes an entire cooked bird. After work, he begins to feel ill and collapses in a field. When he awakes, he's been transformed into a turkey monster (the rest of his body remains the same, but his noggin has been transformed into a large paper mache turkey head) with bloody murder on it's mind.

Made for about $50.00 (maybe), 'Blood Freak' can join the ranks of 'Manos - the Hands of Fate' and 'The Creeping Terror' as among the most purely inept pieces of drek cinema ever made. It's astonishing a film like this exists, even among the no budget independent (as in, any fool with a film camera and connections can make a movie) movies that popped up in '70s Grindhouses. Watching our transformed Turkey fiend go through his gory motions is an incredibly awkward experience. The murder sequences are shot so slowly, so blandly that you get the feeling that nobody involved in the production had seen an actual movie, which very well may have been the case. The 'highlight' is when Turkey Hersch (has a certain ring to it, don't it?) uses a buzz saw to amputate a drug dealer's leg. the scene goes on forever with the victim screaming and howling for what seems like five minutes. But perhaps the thing that stands out the most is that the whole mess is 'hosted' by a chain smoking on screen narrator (director Brad Grinter looking about as sleezy as one would imagine) who attempts (and fails miserably) to tie this thing together. The most surreal moment coming near the end when while discussing whether our 'hero' can overcome his er, addictions, Grinter suddenly begins coughing up a storm! At this point, I had to start wondering if it was a case of Grinter not bothering to do a retake or if maybe, just maybe this entire film was a straight faced put-on. The mind boggles...

Oh yeah, it has a happy ending...

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