Tuesday, May 14, 2013

F**k Yeah Game of Thrones! Episode Seven: The Bear and the Maiden Fair.

Ok, so this is one of those slower, filler episodes where OMG! WHAT IS HAPPENING! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?! Oh, Game of Thrones, even when you start slow, you’ve always got something insane stored up for the end!

Lots to talk about this week, not the least of which is Brienne versus an unexpected adversary, and Theon learns that keeping your Throner boner strong isn’t always the best idea. If you’re not too well-read and fancy to enjoy the ill-informed ramblings of an enthusiast who belligerently hasn’t read the books, then I’ll recap the crap out of this episode... after the jump!

Forget about crossing to beyond The Wall! That plucky bastard Jon Snow has successfully clambered over it and now he’s heading towards Castle Black with his hick gal pal, Ygritte, and a band of assorted wildlings. The Gingerbeard Man gives Jon some heartfelt advice about being a sensual lover, demonstrating by banging the crap out of a dead animal/medieval pillow. Then Gareth from The Office gets all jealous, urging Ygritte to see Jon for what he really is (A liar? A traitor? A big old bastard?) and hook up with Gareth instead. Sadly, there is not enough beer in Westeros to make Gareth more appealing than Kit Harrington. I guess we can agree on that.

Later, Jon and Ygritte have time to take a leisurely stroll and Jon finally tires of Ygritte’s unrelenting ignorance. He informs her, in no uncertain terms, that every single previous attempt by the wildlings to take over the North has failed miserably, their hirsute butts being easily punted over The Wall back to where they belong. Ygritte’s too much of a chav to really understand him (she doesn’t even understand windmills!) so they give up, taking refuge in sucking on each other’s hairy faces and reciting dopey, predictable sex talk. This relationship is kind of spoiling Jon Snow for me a bit. I feel like he should be taking serious action, not awkwardly flirting and getting dumber by association.

Meanwhile, in the Riverlands, Talisa has an incredible ass. King of The North Robb Stark is talking and plotting but everyone watching the show is incredibly distracted and/or craving a peach. However, perhaps Robb wasn’t quite so fascinated with that particular area as we were, because it turns out that Talisa is pregnant with Robb’s wee babby. Hopefully it is a boy so that they don’t have to drown it.

Out in the woods, lil’ crippled Bran Stark (looking more and more like one of The Beatles) and the kid from Love Actually are still trapped in the slowest moving storyline ever. This time the scene is really focused on my favourite wildling woman, Osha, who seems to have undergone a significant change, evidenced from the moment we see her sitting and banging a rock like one of the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Now here’s my unfounded conspiracy theory...

In the commentary of series one, beard-farmer George R. R. Martin himself casually mentions that Osha is a little different from the books, but he enjoys actress Natalia Tena’s performance so much that it could influence how he writes her from now on. He says she’s certainly more attractive than he pictured. Now I had the pleasure of interviewing Natalia Tena briefly mid last year, and I asked her about this, and it was news to her - and I’m not sure if she was flattered or appalled. Anyway, watching this new episode it feels like there’s been a very deliberate decision to move away from the increasingly sexy Osha of last season, and to make her as wild and filthy as possible. Seriously, she has so much dirt on her face compared to everyone else, that she looks like she’s using her nose to dig for truffles.

Anyway, Love Actually Jojen has had a vision that Jon is on the move, but Osha doesn’t want to stray off course. She’s all like, “One day my husband came home and he was all, ‘Hi honey! I’m a white walker!’ And I had to stab his heart and set him on fire.” Bran’s all, “Cool story, bro.” Actual events will be presumably saved for a later episode.

But let’s stick with the Starks by switching to androgynous young Arya who is understandably quite pissed at Beric and The Brotherhood Without Banners for selling bastard blacksmith Gendry to firecrotch sorceress Melissandre. “It’s what the Lord of Light wants,” reasons Beric. “Oh yeah?” counters Arya, “Well the god I worship is Death and I’m going to paint my room black and you’re all a bunch of stupid heads!” And she runs out of the secret Bat Cave, crying so much that she doesn’t realise that she’s running straight into the giant paws of scarred menace, The Hound! Holy crap! (Although Melissandre gave us enough cryptic spoilers last week for us to know that Arya is safe for now).

And speaking of Melissandre, she’s in a boat with Gendry outside King’s Landing and drops the biggest spoiler of all (for him anyway) - Gendry finally learns he is one of King Robert’s (many) bastards! Gendry is all, “NO WAY!” and she’s all, “YES WAY TIMEZ INFINITY!” but I have the sneaking suspicion that returning him to his rightful place on the throne isn’t high on her agenda. Shadow Man Baby Jr perhaps?

And the final Stark is super dumb Sansa who is bawling at Margaery Tyrell of the Unrelenting Cleavage about how she’s going to have to bone a dwarf. Doesn’t she realise that they are proportionately well hung? Margaery reasons that you never know what you’re into until you try it. Things were a lot more hands on before the Internet.

Imp/devil monkey Tyrion is struggling with the impending forced marriage for different reasons. He’s desperately trying to convince his true partner, Shae that he will provide for her once married, maybe even fill her with her own demon monkey babbies, but she’s not having a bar of it. Best friend/bodyguard Bronn is far more pragmatic, simply suggesting that Tyrion should enjoy them both. Dramaz unfolding. I have a feeling that this season's finale is going to be a whole lot of weddings. It will be like The Battle of Blackwater but with confetti.

Meanwhile King Joffrey “The Joff” Joffster is doing his best to look badass on the Iron Throne, until grandpappy Tywin Lannister strides in and out badasses everyone. Joff whines about not attending small council meetings and having to walk up too many flights of stairs until Tywin menacingly towers over him, suggesting that perhaps he could be carried. No joke, for a moment there I was convinced that Tywin was about to put Joffrey over his knee and spank him! Or at least send him to his room. Wash his mouth out with soap? Any/all of those things would have been good. Joff then starts getting nervous about Daenerys and the rumours of her rapidly growing dragons. And nervous he should be, because...

Outside the city of Yunkai, Daenerys decides to free the 200,000 slaves that bow beyond its mighty walls. The city sends a spokesman who finds Daenerys chilling in her tent with her three large and very intimidating dragons. How scary are they looking now? Game of Thrones is sparing no expense here with the CGI. Maybe they’ll start animating facial expressions on Robb Stark? Naturally, the emissary nearly shits and offers her a ton of gold and as many ships as she needs to get the hell out of here. It’s not enough for Daenerys, who wants the slaves freed as well, but the emissary is all, “Then screw you, sister. I’m taking my gold back,” but the dragons hiss and Daenerys is like, “It’s my gold now, bitch. And it is ON.” The odds may be against her but I think Daenerys has got this. She’s come too far to be stopped by a bunch of dumb Yunkai. I look forward to mayhem.

And in a secret location, Theon Super Chav Greyjoy’s incredibly prolonged torture continues. Or are things finally looking up? He is awakened by two hot young ladies, one blonde, one brunette (this is called a Betty and Veronica in the business) who proceed to pleasure him. Jesus, Theon - it doesn't take Admiral Ackbar to identify that this is a trap! It’s a typical Game of Thrones moment of gratuitous nudity (which isn’t a criticism. “Gratuitous is one of my three favourite types of nudity) until the Not-So-Friendly-Janitor bursts in with a sinister-looking cutting device. He’s going to cut off Theon’s deadliest weapon - his nob! Did I unintentionally guess this last week? Maybe we’ll see a fabled cock necklace after all! At least it will mean no babby Theons, right?

And now the best part... We cut (HURR) to Brienne and Jaime. Forced to abandon Brienne, Jamie is out on the road, returning to King’s Landing where he will honour Catelyn Stark’s arrangement. Disgraced Meister Grubby Oldman tends to the most disgusting puckered stump on the road and fills Jaime in on all of his wild medical experimentation with live, suffering peasants. It is soon revealed, however, that Lord Bolton refused the ransom from Brienne’s father as he still wrongly believes that this guy is sitting on a shit-ton of sapphires. Oh noes! Jaime’s lie that saved Brienne from gangrape a few episodes ago might just get her killed tonight! Jaime is desperate to return to Harenhal and save her, convincing his captors that it’s the only way to avoid Grandpappy Tywin’s unstoppable ire!

Now, I was a bit concerned when it was said that Brienne would serve as the “men’s entertainment”, especially considering the ominous overtones of the other aforementioned episode, but what was really happening was not what I at all expected. Jaime returns just in the nick of time to discover that Brienne is in a pit fighting a GIANT BEAR. A BEAR, YOU GUYS! AN ACTUAL BEAR. Covered in blood, she’s been repeatedly mauled and is fending it off with a wooden sword while, up above, the cruel Locke and his mean jeer and throw popcorn. Maybe I wasn’t very clear. SHE IS FIGHTING A BEAR. This is what the climax of Goldilocks and the Three Bears would look like if it was given the Snow White and the Huntsman treatment.

Unarmed (and one-handed) Jaime throws himself into the pit and shields her from the bear, giving his captors no other choice but to shoot the bear down to save Jaime’s life, purely so they continue their task of returning him to his father. It’s an argument Locke can’t win and Jaime and Brienne are once again reunited. Good job everybody. Credits roll. Get that bear a drink.

Wow, Game of Thrones. You’ve still got it where it counts. Is it too much to ask that next week’s episode is an hour long battle between a bear and a dragon while the naked cast watches? That’s gotta’ be what happens, right?

1 comment:

  1. What jumped out at me this episode was how much screen time was given to characters who didn't advance the plot whatsoever.
    Sansa+Margery= didn't learn anything we didn't already know.
    Jon+Ygritte= didn't learn anything we didn't already know.
    Tyrion+everyone= They're just throwing as much Tyrion at us as they can manage, which I understand, but he's a bit hamstrung and woebegone at the moment.
    Even Tywin and Joff, which was an awesome scene, didn't establish anything we didn't already know. And when you're condensing SO MUCH into a one hour episode, surely every single moment needs to pay off?

    Also developing a Coster-Waldau lady boner.