Review: John Carter (of Mars!)

There's been a lot of recent jibber-jabber about how Disney's classic sci-fi epic John Carter is a massive box office failure, with little chance of recovering its enormous $250 million budget. The film is performing far better overseas, but American audiences don't seem to want to give the film a chance, perhaps assuming that expressive CGI aliens and arena battles will re-open Star Wars prequel wounds? Personally, I find this reticence to be a little bit silly.

I've previously defended at least the concept of John Carter because in my mind, why wouldn't you at least give the film the benefit of the doubt? It's the live-action directorial debut of Pixar legend Andrew Stanton (Finding Nemo and Wall-E) and - not only is it based on classic literature - but it's about a grizzled wild west dude who gets super powers on Mars and beats the holy living shit out of a white ape. Who wouldn't want to see that? Sissies and babies, I'll wager.

Well, now I have actually seen the film with my own unwaivering eyes and can speak about it with knowledge and wisdom instead of wild speculation and bravado. What did I think? Join me after the (ridiculously high space) jump and all will be revealed!...

John Carter Mars trailers

Here's some of the latest trailers for the Andrew Stanton directed film of "John Carter Mars"



this is the teaser that adds a little more story



I like the extra work in the casting, costume design, makeup, cinematography, lighting and grading to get John Carters nipples looking just right. That's the Pixar magic right there

John Carter Goes to Mars, Fights White Ape, Internet Cries.

So if you didn't know, genius Andrew Stanton - writer of all three Toy Story movies and director of Finding Nemo and Wall-E - is making a film based on John Carter of Mars based on the novels by classic scribe Edgar Rice Burroughs (Tar-fucking-zan). It stars Taylor "Gambit" Kitsch, Willem "Green Goblin Defoe", Mark "Sinestro" Strong, Thomas Hayden "Sandma"n Church, and Lynn "Silver Fox" Collins. It's about John Carter who thinks earth is a totally sissy wasteland so he jumps to Mars and kicks a White Ape's ass. Sounds pretty damn incredible right? And it looks like this (as recently revealed by Entertainment Weekly):

Now you would think that the sophisticated gentlemen of the Internets would be high-fiving in delight that such a thing even exists, delighted by the very fact that Sir Andrew Golden Stanton is descending from the heavens to entertain us with another delicious slice of classic storytelling. But no. Instead everyone is all "GEONOSIS LOL! ATTACK OF TEH CLONEZ!!" and saying that this looks shit and will suck.

Listen up, Internet. That's Lord Andrew You've-Got-A-Friend-In-Me Stanton you're talking about and he deserves your frigging respect. Even if this does look shit (and it doesn't) you should still trust that next year he's going to punch in your face through the screen. Or at least die trying. So give him a chance! Because if you don't want to see John Carter jump to Mars and beat on a White Ape then what the hell do you want to see? John Carter stay home and drink a beer? I think not!

How excited are you for John Carter and what other awesome shit do you think he will do once he gets to Mars?