1. All walking scenes will now happen in real time.
2. Bilbo will develop a wicked stutter. At points in the story it will get so bad that he will have to play charades to get his point across to the dwarves.
3. Gandalf becomes is now incredibly forgetful and indecisive. An hour in they have to double back to fetch his pipe when he realises that he left it back in Bilbo’s hole. This happens three times.
4. All songs immediately demand an encore.
5. Smaug painstakingly catalogues every single item in his treasure hoard. Does a double-check.
6. Extended scenes of Boromir. As a baby.
7. Gollum has narcolepsy. The other characters patiently wait as they are too polite to wake him.
8. All footnotes and appendices will be read aloud in their entirety. By an Ent.
9. Two additional films will be comprised solely of endings.
10. The films will now be shot at 12 frames per second.
I’ve already started queuing for Hobbit Eighteen in 2020!