Retro Review: Nintendo Game Pack Trading Cards!

This past weekend we ventured to a vintage market where, amongst dusty LP’s, burlesque prints, and fancy hats, I managed to find some sealed packs of classic Nintendo Game Pack trading cards for a mere two dollars a (waxy) pack. I didn’t know what was lurking inside - I didn’t even need to know - all I knew is that I needed them and that I’d force you to hear all about them. Even though, let’s be honest, Nintendo is notoriously sissy. DON’T HIT ME! (Or should that be “ineffectually slap” me?).

Join me after the jump and we will crack these cards open and ROFL at the gloriously retro art and fun to be had inside. Or should I have spent that $4 on a coffee? Let’s find out!

The trading card is such a dated concept in a world where we can now find INFINITE images of things we like (mostly boobs) with a few deft keystrokes. But back in the day we used to have to desperately collect tiny cardboard print outs of our favourite things, even though, technically speaking, they didn’t really DO anything. Well it appears that Nintendo has solved that problem.

These aren’t just cards about games. They are game cards. Did that just blow your mind?

Each pack contains three game cards and two stickers. Each of the game cards has a series of scratch-off circles that may be removed according to the set of rules for each “game”. For example, here’s Link wrestling with some kind of one-eyed tentacle monster. I think that’s a metaphor for puberty.

Apparently we want to scratch off the circles on the left and reveal swords which are successful attacks, and avoid one-eyed tentacled buggers which are cruel blows. And we need to uncover an arrow to move to the second set of circles where we will proceed to knock the shit out of that guy.

I’ve got a coin. Let’s deface this rare (40 cent) collectible and teach that bugger some manners.

Aaannd.... there’s nothing under the circles. Whatever arcane symbols were lurking under there when these were printed in 1989 have completely vanished over time. All I’ve accomplished is a silvery mess. There goes my hopes, dreams, and 90% of the premise of this post.

Still, it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the pretty pictures (and I’ve just saved you from defacing your own rare 40 cent collectible). Here’s a gallery of what I got...

In this Double Dragon card, two brothers duke it out against a backdrop of phallic one-eyed columns. What were you trying to tell us, Nintendo? I call this game The Homo-Erotic Bro Brouhaha.

Okay, boys, let's take off our shirts and run rampant! I'll tie up that annoying woman and keep her out of the way.

Link may be able to throttle one-eyed monsters but he loses his shit when faced with a sparrow! Damn you, Hitchcock for your psychological scars!

You know where eggs come from, right? This is real messed up, Nintendo.

Want to punch out the Sandman? Better think fast because he’s coming for you kid. You don’t even want to know what this lean, hungry pugilist does to a child once he knocks them out.

And here’s some stickers! You can stick them on things!

How about a Little Mac attack? Don’t you love how Nintendo fulfilled power fantasies and fuelled imaginations by letting stupid little kids pretend they were stupid little kids?

All kids dream of punching adults in the gob. Take that you son of a bitch adult!

Here are some cute stickers of Link which are great if you want to make everyday objects look more sissy...

And it's Mario madness! Mario goes mad, shits on the floor and murders Luigi! 

And did you know that there are game tips on the back of the cards? Like “hit every single gravestone in Zelda you stupid idiot” and “don’t stand in the fire you dumb kid”. If you collect them all and learn from them then you officially become a “Wizard” and may be asked to fight a real life battle in outer space.

Way to go, Nintendo! Powerglove fist-bump!