Monday, November 5, 2012

Avenging the Melbourne Cup

Tomorrow my beloved country will go batshit crazy for three and a half minutes while 24 horses fling themselves around a 3200m track while being straddled by midgets. Oh yes, it's the Race That Stops a Nation (as long as you live in Victoria), it's MELBOURNE CUP TIME!

The Melbourne Cup gives Everyday Joes the opportunity to act like experts on all things horseracing while regurgitating all the facts and figures they read in the paper that morning. Squillions and billions of dollars are gambled on the big race, and despite what Simon from Accounts tried to tell you about the recent form of the current favourite, on the day it mostly comes down to luck. So given the form guide isn't going to help you much, let us at Fruitless Pursuits pick your winner by assigning a horse to your favourite Avenger.

Head below the cut to check out Earth's Mightiest Horseflesh.

11. Fiorente - Hawkeye
Alright, so most of these aren't exactly rocket science. 5 year old Irish stallion, Australian-trained blah blah blah BLACK AND PURPLE SILKS. I do actually have a couple of dollars on the HawkHorse, mainly for the fact it's the HawkHorse.
Odds (approx): 34/1

5. Winchester - Iron Man
All red and with the heart of a lion, Iron Man fans can jump on 8 year old American stallion Winchester. Of course you'll lose all your money, but Iron Man wouldn't care, so why should YOU?
Odds (approx): 61/1

2. Americain - Captain America
Despite this seeming like the most obvious choice in the history of obvious choices, the damn horse is actually a defector. American-bred, French trained. Quite fast, and won the race in 2010, but will have to put in a fair effort to do it again this year. But the one thing Captain Americain isn't lacking in is HEART, right guys? USA! USA! USA!
Odds (approx): 7.5/1

10. Ethiopia - The Hulk
Seriously, it was the only one with a reasonable amount of green in it. That said, this one is a young and pretty awesome Aussie horse and wouldn't make you too sad if you got him in your office sweep.
Odds (approx): 21/1

18. Niwot - Thor
Well, obviously with the lightning bolt this one is our Thor representative, and it's fitting cause 'Niwot' is 'To Win' backwards and Thor is all about winning and beating the shit out of his brother and kissing Natalie Portman and things like that. It's also kind of ironic cause Niwot is pretty much definitely not going to win.
Odds (approx): 61/1

22. Unusual Suspect - Black Widow
Again, no rocket science, it's wearing black and has a red hat. Come ON! Ran 9th in this race a year ago, but has been getting thoroughly schooled by all his horsey friends since then. Just like the real Black Widow you'd do well to stay the hell away from this one. Unless it wins, in which case everyone who has bet on it will be millionaires.
Odds (approx): 301/1

Combining casual gambling and pop culture, what could go wrong? Just out of curiosity I will be putting all of these guys in a quinella for tomorrow, and if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because Hawkeye & Black Widow came 1-2 and I'm off on a holiday spending my billions of dollars.

Realistically speaking, I'm quite liking Dunaden, Mount Athos and Galileo's Choice, but I haven't picked the winner in years, so don't listen to me. Good luck to all those having a flutter, and enjoy your Cup Day!

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