Tuesday, April 2, 2013

F**k Yeah Game of Thrones Recaps! Episode One: Valar Dohaeris!

Just about everybody I know has had a total Thrones-boner for the start of Game of Thrones series three and, now that it has finally aired, we can all relax, reflect, and let the blood pump back into our heads. I wouldn’t say that the series has started with bang, but perhaps with a gentle bump against our leg with the veiled promise of a bang later on. It’s okay to start off slow. We need the setup. You can’t make an omelette without staring for an hour at a carton of eggs.

Writer/beard-farmer George R. R. Martin’s work is filled with all sorts of fancy names and places so, just in case you’re confused, I’m going to break down everything that happened for the common layman. I haven’t read the books, but I have plenty of opinions on things and enjoy the sound of my own voice.

Why don’t you share Episode One: Valar Dohaeris with me... after the jump!

So it all starts in the frozen wasteland beyond The Wall where tubby half-wookiee Samwell is running faster than he ever has in life, away from the murderous zombie white walkers who paraded past him at the end of season two. Things look grim when one plucky dead man gets all frisky with Sam, but he is saved by ghost wolf, Ghost, and an army of miraculously appearing men. They set the dead guy on fire but there’s no time for marshmallows or songs. The Black Watch leader codger is mighty pissed at Sam who has failed to send a warning raven. This is the medieval equivalent of email. Apothecaries used to send spam ravens who would promise to make your penis bigger.

Speaking of which, that bastard Jon Snow is led to the Wildling camp by tease Ygritte and Lord Skeletor. The latter looks like he just ate an entire chicken and left the bones all over his belly. Jon totally freaks out and stares at a giant who is hammering logs into the ground for morale. Jon risks hurting the giant’s feelings so all the neighbourhood kids throw frozen shit at him. Soon after, inside a tent Jon thinks he’s meeting Wildling King Mance Rayder when he is fooled by a lieutenants fine beard. Turns out that Mance is actually a pretty down-to-earth, no-nonsense guy and after questioning Jon’s motives he hooks him up for a fashion fitting. Jon is joining the Wildlings and getting a sweet new cloak. By the way, Mance Rayder totally sounds like a Star Wars bounty hunter so don’t be surprised if he’s hiding a jetpack under that fur. (That could be a spoiler?)

Now let’s head to the warmer climate of King’s Landing where demon/monkey imp/pimp Tyrion is still licking his wounds in his sister’s broom closet. And yet he still manages to cockblock sellsword Bronn who was just about to unveil the first front bum of the season. It turns out that Tyrion needs protection from sardonic queen Cersei who busts into his closet to give him a tongue-lashing. Tyrion then has an awkward meeting with his father, the terrifying Tywin, who also gives him a tongue-lashing and tells him that he can’t have the awesome rock the family’s been saving. He also makes some threats about Tyrion’s whores, threatening to murder the next one he sees, which will probably be Shae. Things are looking pretty shitty for Tyrion.

Shae, meanwhile, is watching boats and making up bullshit with the sour-faced Sansa until Little Finger busts in to scheme vaguely. Shae slinks back to Ros who seems to imply that she knows more about Shae’s background than she should. I swear Shae is living on borrowed time.

But what of The Joff? Joff is banging about town in his pimped out carriage when he nearly runs into Lady Margaery Tyrell of the Unrelenting Cleavage. She’s out rubbing filthy elbows with the neighbourhood orphans, buying them with wooden action figures like a perky nippled Santa. Later at dinner, the perpetually evil Cersei shows scorn for Margaery’s wide-eyed charity but The Joff defends her like a proper little gent.

And The Other Stark, Robb, is being boring at Harrenhal with his battle surgeon wife, now surrounded by hundreds of dead bodies thanks to the wily one-step-ahead antics of those crafty Lannisters. He’s also still pretty pissed at his mother for freeing Kingslayer Jamie, so he turns the tables by sending HER to her room. And by room I mean dungeon. Robb’s going to do something interesting eventually, right?

Far more interesting is Davos Seaworth who is stranded and extra crispy after the battle of Blackwater. He is picked up by last season’s rapey pirate and reluctantly taken to Dragonstone where rightful king, Stannis, is still under the spell of supernatural firecrotch Melisandre. While Stannis sulks, Melisandre blames Davos from keeping her out of the fray in Blackwater and thereby losing the battle. Davos thoughtfully rebuts her claims by trying to stab her and he is sent to his room as well. By which I also mean a dungeon. I hope this means that Melisandre is finally going to convince Stannis to really let loose, preferably with his Shadow Man Baby. At the moment Stannis is about as interesting as a statue. A statue of Robb.

Okay, so forget all that stuff and let’s finish up with albino dragon mother Daenerys who is finally on a boat and heading ever closer to King’s Landing. Her dragons are much bigger now which means the show’s producers will no longer be able to save money by hiding them in a small box with a cloth over it. I think now they will have to invest in a large box with a cloth over it.

Daenerys and Ser Jorah rock up to slave city Astapor with the intention of purchasing an army, resulting in a humourously long sales pitch that culminates in the removal of a nipple. The sales pitch seems to work but I hope they got a discount considering at least one of those slaves is now 50% off. Daenerys and Jorah celebrate with a jaunt through the streets but Daenerys’ misguided attempt to play ball with a little girl reveals a fearsome CGI scorpion! Turns out that little girl is some filthy-gobbed warlock but luckily Daenerys is saved by Barristan!

Remember Barristan? He was the guy from the late Rob Baratheon's Kingsguard who was unceremoniously stripped of his shit by The Joff back in season one. Well he's back, now wearing a dirty brown robe like Obi Wan Kenobi and he pledges allegiance to Daenerys in what - to be honest - is a pretty anticlimactic cliffhanger to Episode One. And what does "Valar Dohaeris" mean anyway? It means I have to pay more attention from now on.

So what did you think? Excited? Disappointed? Hopeful of things to come? Writing these recaps hurts my head and I'm only going to keep doing them if you keep reading them so let me know!


  1. IM TOTALLY AMPED. So happy to see everyone again. It's such an impossible task to bring the viewer up to speed, I'm not surprised that it seems pretty low key. so many storylines we haven't been exposed to yet that I'm itching to see.

    Urrr. So good. Can't wait for next week.

  2. "Valar Dohaeris" means "All men must serve"...not to be confused with "Valar Morghulis" - "All men must die"