Tuesday, May 21, 2013

F**k Yeah Game of Thrones! Episode 8: Second Sons!

It’s episode 8 of blood-and-boobs fantasy epic, Game of Thrones, and they finally figure out the formula for making a consistently solid and engaging episode! Ditch the deadweight Starks, Robb and Bran (and by association that bastard Jon Snow) and focus on the undeniable badassery of Daenerys and the Lannisters. Not to mention some truly stellar performances. More like Peter DRINKlage, AM I RITE U GUYZ?!

Meet the Second Sons! Chief, Rapey and Spunky.
I may not have read your fancy books, but I sure can watch a screen like a pro. So if you can tolerate my unabashed ignorance, join me as I recap the crap out of Second Sons... after the jump!

Out in ye olde woods, lil androgynous Arya Stark is getting mighty sick of the fat scarred head of the monstrous Hound and plans to improve it by bashing it in with a rock. The Hound awakes, catching her in the act, although he urges her to give it a try, on the condition that he breaks her lil' hands if she fails. In these medieval times, rock beauty makeovers have not yet been perfected, so Arya wisely decides to give it a miss. For now.

Later, Arya sits awkwardly on the front of the Hound’s no doubt terrified horse. As they ride he’s all, “You know, most people in Westeros would beat you up and rape you. I’m actually quite the dapper gentleman by comparison. Ask your sister.” Arya finally twigs that the Hound ISN’T taking her back to King’s Landing, but instead is planning to take her back to her mother and bro who will soon be celebrating her uncle’s (forced) wedding (to a Frey sea monster). Arya is stoked. But why!? Does she not realise that if he pulls this off, she’ll be stuck with all the boring characters?! She'll have to share scens with Rob! Stick with The Hound - he's shaping up to be a fantastic character.

Meanwhile, dragon queen Daenerys and her pals realise that it's the Second Sons - an army of swarthy sell-swords - who are planning to defend the Yunkai from her planned invasion. Plucky Daenerys figures these chumps might prefer to work for the winning team so she invites three of their leaders to a shindig in her party tent. (No dragons are present this time as they were too expensive to animate last time. A shame, because they have a habit of keeping unruly tent-guests in line!).

Now, these Second Sons characters are far from dapper gentlemen, particularly one coarse fellow who is not at all convinced that Daenerys will be the victor and makes some clever but crude turns of phrase that I hope will work their way into the vernacular. What business negotiation would be complete without, "Show me your cunt so I can see if it's worth fighting for!" (Feel free to replace "fighting" with other things like, "cooking", "driving" or "nipping down to the shops for a carton of milk.). And let's not be gender specific either. Ladies, please don't be afraid to direct this comment at the men in your life. They probably need a shake up.

So, the Second Sons head back to their camp for a meeting, where they play a few rounds of pass-the-parcel with a scantily clad slave girl who already looks half unwrapped. They decide that someone has to sneak in and murder Daenerys in the night and, after drawing straws, they pick the silver-tongued, charismatic Dario. Think of him as a kind of a Fabio-in-training. 

Later that night Daenerys is all splish-splash takin' a bath when a disguised Dario sneaks in and puts a knife to her multi-lingual handmaiden's throat. And Daenerys is all, "You gonna kill me?" and he's all like, "Nah, girlfriend, you way too pretty!"And then, because she's such a fly honey, he reveals that he has hacked the heads off his comrades who had obviously disagreed with this decision. Dario wants to fight for a hottie! Daenerys stands up revealing her fully naked body (to him, not to us) and asks him to swear allegiance to her. He does so, even though he's just discovered that she's not a natural blonde.

Hey let's go to... Dragonstone! Where saucy sorceress Melisandre has brought the late Robert Baratheon's bastard blacksmith Gendry to see scowling, scorned king, Stannis. Stannis isn't too impressed by this bastard and Melisandre sends the bastard off to have a bastard bath. "Why bathe him if you're just going to kill him?" Stannis sensibly asks. Melisandre makes up shit about lambs but it's because she's going to bang him first.

Stannis sulks off to the dungeons where the disgraced illiterate seaman, Davos, is still trying to read the first few pages of Hop on Pop. Davos finds out about the impending sacrifice of Gendry and is like, "Dude! That's your nephew! I thought you were better than that!" and Stannis is like, "I don't give a damn!" and Davos goes, "O RLY?" and Stannis go, "YA RLY?" and Davos goes, "O RLY?"
Stannis says he'll free Davos but he's got to promise not to give his woman any more curry. And Davos is like, "Well I'm going to because I'm an atheist" and Stannis is like, "No son, that shit it real. I've seen it!"

So Gendry is all clean and powdered and Melisandre slinks into his bedroom and starts to put the moves on him. She gets completely naked but the cameraman continually Austin Powers her, putting props and pot-plants in front of her vagina. Gendry's nervous at first but just as he's getting into it/her, she straps him to the bed and starts covering him with fat leeches, eager to suck out his "King's blood". Most of the blood is now in his penis so she naturally also puts a leech there and leech and penis savagely battle it out. Then Stannis and Davros come in to watch the show (this all took place before the Internet) and she pulls off the leeches and throws them into a brazier. She curses Robb Stark, Daddy Greyjoy and Joffrey "The Joffster" Joffenstein. Whoa! I think that at least one of them isn't going to make it to episode 10!

So let's cross to King's Landing because that romantic scene has got me in the mood for a wedding! Diminutive demon monkey Tyrion finally gets some alone time with sour-faced fourteen-year-old bride Sansa Stark and gallantly promises her that he did not ask for this and will never, ever hurt her. It doesn't make her feel any better about getting dicked by a dwarf.

As the ceremony starts in some grand hall, Margaery Tyrell of the Unrelenting Cleavage tries to sweet talk Cersei, telling her that they will be sisters, but Cersei retorts with the tale of an ambitious family who tried to overthrow the Lannisters and were slaughtered for their efforts. She then threatens to have Margaery strangled in her sleep. Ominous? No. This is par for the course at most family gatherings. Especially when alcohol is involved.

So the Joff is getting all giddy in the light of these nuptials and he walks Sansa down the aisle and plays the epic prank of removing Tyrion's little step-ladder so that he can't put the wedding cloak on Sansa. Joff brays like a donkey until a sharp glance from Granddaddy Tywin shuts everybody up. Tyrion quickly makes up for this sleight by getting uproariously drunk at the ensuing reception, slurring his words and bumping into everything. Tywin scolds him as he weirdly expects Tyrion to ram a baby into Sansa that very night. Talk about pressure!

Joff gets Sansa alone and tells her that he'll sneak in later when Tyrion's passed out and rape her while his guards hold her down, filling her with his own evil babby. Seems like an inappropriate sentiment for a wedding. Then, in public, the Joff decides they need a "bedding ceremony" (whatever that means!) and is only stopped when a furious Tyrion pulls a knife and threatens to cut off Joff's miniscule cock! Joff is super pissed because he's still the king, and it looks like it could be a slap fight until Twyin steps in and is all, "Go home, Tyrion, you're drunk. Go to bed." Oh and, "But ram in a babby!"

So Tyrion stumbles back to his chambers with Sansa and she begins to undress for her grand opening. But Tyrion is a noble little bugger and he will not make her do anything she doesn't want to. She points out that she'll probably never want to. And he grudgingly accepts that, passing out in the corner while she sleeps alone in her bed. Luckily the Joff is nowhere to be seen and it is only faux handmaiden Shae (Tyrion's real lover) who enters in the morning, relieved to discover that zero monstrous offspring were created during the night.

And finally we cut to the frozen wastelands where boombatty Samwell is in a shit-shack with inbred wildling girl Gilly and her freshly born bub. They talk about possible names for him for a while, like "Steve", "Skeletor" and "Adam Sandler". Before they can decide, however, a whole ton of ravens start causing a ruckus outside. Sam heads out to scare them off but is confronted by a terrifying lurching whitewalker who has come to collect the babby! It looks real grim, until Sam remembers that special dragon dagger thingy he found in the snow eight episodes ago and he slams it into the whitewalker and it shatters into a billion little pieces. And the ravens GO CRAZY and knock out the cameraman.

To be continued? Oh my word, yes!

Two episodes to go and I have a feeling that something very big is going to happen...


  1. I can't believe Sam just leaves the dagger on the ground at the end of the episode. I take back every nice thing I said about Sam. Sam is a complete imbecile.

    1. Aaaargh! I needed to rewatch that bit! I was yelling at the screen, "Did he pick it back up?! Did he pick it up!?" and then convinced myself he must have. Because if he didn't then ARRARARARRRGH!

    2. He totally dropped it. We were all yelling at the TV here

  2. The Hound's hand was quite high on Arya's thigh when they were riding around. I have no idea what he actually said during that scene because I was just watching his hand. D:

    1. Maisie Williams is only a year younger than Sophie Turner (Sansa), and they're still determinedly treating her like she's a wayward seven year old. Sadly Miss Maisie is growin boobs so they're going to have to revise this.