Celebrity Apprentice Outrage! Why I Won’t be Recapping the Final Two Episodes!

I am out! I’m done! I’m moving on! I began watching the first part of the Celebrity Apprentice finale but by the halfway point my ire was raised and my interest had waned. But worst of all, I felt incredibly manipulated by what had just transpired. For me, the screaming celebrity circus train had come right off the rails.

We’re heading into spoiler territory now, so to read my full rant, join me after the jump!

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps Episode 12: Why is Aubrey Topless?

Wait! Could this really be the penultimate episode of this year’s Celebrity Apprentice? Is this screeching, wild animal filled circus train really crashing to a halt? Or perhaps the lethargic, sour, near-motionless, expressionless, reverse-racoon that is Donald Trump will split the finale into seven sluggish parts? Whichever way you choose to look at it, things are drawing to a close!

This week the format is switched up a bit as the final five is reduced to two! Well... three. Two! Three? You’ll see what I mean when we get there. Will my new personal favourite, Aubrey O’Day (the smartest, most creative and talented, and beautiful being in the universe) survive these huge staffing cuts? 

Join me after the jump and I’ll tell all!

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps Episode Eleven: Lampanelli Loses It More!

Being a celebrity must be incredibly taxing. Under pressure many prove to be delicate creatures whose giant egos shield a fragile, seething mass of issues and insecurities. Never has this been clearer than when watching loud-mouthed comedienne Lisa Lampanelli who spews so much evil out of her maw this episode that they needed to get the boardroom fumigated. 

To hear about the next farcical task and Lisa’s greatest meltdown, join me after the jump!

Penn Jillette Responds to his Ridiculous Firing on the Celebrity Apprentice. IN SONG!

If you're one of the chosen few that reads my Celebrity Apprentice recaps then you'll already be aware of my seething, pissing disdain that man-mountain Penn Jillette (my personal favourite to win) was unjustly fired by an increasingly random and detached Donald Trump. This outrage is not to be taken lightly, so imagine how thrilled I was to discover that Penn has made an official statement about America's latest pre-emptive strike on intelligence. Although not quite how you may initially expect...

You see Penn is SINGING about his ludicrous dismissal in this brand new music video. At least I think that's what he's doing. The lyrics are generally hard to make out - in fact the whole experience is like having an angry Dr. Teeth from the Muppets yell at you.

But I think Penn is screaming about how some people bust their humps working in very difficult real life circumstances that pale in comparison to the farcical celebrity circus he has just been involved with. Or I've got the whole thing wrong and he's merely choking on something. Either way, I adore Penn so check him out!

JUSTICE!!

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode Ten. Bullshit.

It’s another infuriating episode of the Celebrity Apprentice this week, with an outcome that will make your eyes roll so far backwards that you’ll be able to wink at your brain. 

Seriously, if the reasons for firing contestants were any more random, Donald Trump would just close his eyes, spin around, and point somewhere across the table. The show once again proves that it’s not about business, it’s not about ability, it’s not even really about personality... it’s just a jumbled farce where an old rich guy pokes randomly at celebrities, trying to elicit some sort of reaction or drama, like a raccoon rummaging through the trash. (A reverse raccoon, of course, because Donald is completely tanned except for around his eyes).

To find out what made my blood boil and buttocks clench, join me after the jump!

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode Nine. Lisa Loses It.

Aaaah the Celebrity Apprentice. The kindergarten of the business world! A show that has become such a ridiculous farce than I’m amazed the competitors have yet to be tasked with a silly-face-pulling competition. Which, come to think of it, isn’t all that far removed from the humiliations that the celebrities will undertake today.

Join me after the jump to discover who bitched about who, who got fired, how wide Lisa Lampanelli’s giant unhinged jaw opened, and whether or not it inadvertently sucked in any innocent passersby.

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode Eight!: Guess Who's Back!?

Just when you think you know what’s going on, Celebrity Apprentice manages to pull the rug out from under us again. And then it positions said rug precariously on top of Donald Trump’s gigantic head.

If you’ve been following the ongoing tantrums and tension then you may be shocked (but probably not) this week as titans collide, tears are shed, voices are raised, profanity is bleeped, and a redheaded menace rises from the dead.

Join me after the jump where I’ll reveal all...

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode Seven!: Ding Dong!

Now this is why I watch reality television. After a string of sluggish and uncharacteristically bland episodes, Celebrity Apprentice blasts back with a Tolkien-sized 3 hour episode which sees TWO major players fired, and a THIRD contestant remove themselves from the show in a flurry of emotion!

Thank you.

Aubrey, you are the most awesome, talented, prettiest, smartest person in the universe.
May you never get fat, old and obscure.

Wanna see rage, arrogance, conceit, incompetence? The mighty smited? Evil punished?

Join me after the jump where things (kinda) EXPLODE.

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode Six: Dance Monkey Dance.

Want to see a group of fake people, at a fake party, on a fake beach, having fake fun, while pretending to care about a fake cocktail - all because a rich, old white man told them to? Dance, monkey, dance! Welcome back to the wonderfully twisted world of the Celebrity Apprentice!

Last week another jaded, defeated, and disgusted celebrity chose to remove herself from the competition before Donald’s pudgy digit could fire her. Who will become irreparably bored with the proceedings this week?

Join me after the jump to find out!

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode Five. Aubrey O'Day is an Irredeemable Monster.

After last’s week shockingly unjust ousting of both Adam Carolla and the affable Andretti, I approached this week’s episode through an angry red mist. How can the show justify forty minute boardroom sessions when the outcome seems completely predetermined by producers, and all logical rebuttals are obstinately ignored? A once powerful Trump seems so detached and distracted from the proceedings at this point that they may as well replace him with a bulldog licking its nuts at the head of the table.

Post firing, Carolla shared some interesting insights on his March 13th episode of The Adam Carolla Show. Give it a listen because he describes how the show’s editing distorted the real reception of his task, and how he was led majorly astray by an unseen producer. If you’ve come this far, then it’s fascinating stuff.

Our preview for tonight’s episode seemed to promise former Hulk Ferrigno bumbling through the project management of the next task and I’m shallow enough to say that it’s enough to get me to watch. However, reality TV is a sly fox, and the person that you think is the obvious choice to be fired seldom goes.

Did they get it right this time? Join me after the jump to find out...

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode Four! The Unravelling!

If you have any sense of fair play then this episode will infuriate you.

We already knew the tasks were a farce with Team Trump trading business for buffoonery, but in Episode Four the entire show implodes as a limp, wrong-headed Trump (puppeteered by unseen producers) makes a pre-determined firing which has some unexpected consequences. A major player leaves as his bewildered team is unnecessarily punished.

I’ve honestly never seen an episode of the Apprentice quite like this before. Quite frankly, the once fierce Trump seems short-sighted and silly, when a smart, strong team rallies against his weak (and scripted?) assumptions and successfully manage to school him at every turn. By the time the credits roll it feels like he has lost the respect of everyone - except for his sycophantic children who bray like donkeys and congratulate him for enforcing the worst decision ever made.

This episode makes me want to shit a kitten into a bonfire in front of a bus filled with overly sensitive kids.

Want to know more? Join me after the jump and we’ll try to make sense of this mess!

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode Three!

Only three episodes in and any pretense that this year’s tasks will be even tangentially related to business has eroded. I’m not entirely sure exactly what skills Trump is looking for in his “apprentice”, but it’s almost like the celebrity contestants have a contract that stipulates that tasks will not involve mathematics, economics or accounting. Instead Trump is giving them mindless creative busy work, akin to finger-painting or making macaroni necklaces.

Last week they dressed up as knights and bashed each other with swords in front of mildly enthusiastic diners. What ridiculous ruse will pass as a task this week? Join me after the jump to find out!

Let’s recap another episode of The Celebrity Apprentice! Your number one show where planet-sized egos clash and embarrassingly insecure celebrities burst into tears and scream at each other!

HULK PASH!!!

Remember all the way back in... ohhhh... episode ONE, where the women made a solemn pledge to buck reality television tradition and be the first female team ever to NOT be bitchy and catty towards each other? And I, like many of you I’m sure, thought, “Golly! Why would obscure actresses, Miss Universe, former pop idols, reality TV monsters, a mob boss, and the world’s most obnoxious comedienne, possibly have any reason to be bitchy and/or catty?” I just assumed that they would all get along great!

Did they succeed? Why not join me after the jump and we’ll find out!

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode One!

I am obsessed with reality TV competitions. I love the pettiness, the desperation, the delusion, the back-stabbing. The unfaltering urge to conquer and crush all opposition and rise to the top by any means necessary. And nobody does it better than America! American competitors have a killer instinct that in disappointingly lacking in my own lethargic corner of the world. There’s nothing I enjoy more than a headstrong, loud, arrogant contestant who believes in all their heart that they are the best at everything they do, only to repeatedly fail in front of a large audience. And then STILL claim they’re the best while they’re being kicked out, “I wouldn’t change a thing! All y’all are just jealous!” I. LOVE. IT.

So Donald The Maniac Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice is reality TV amplified. It’s the most pumped up format available thanks to the delicious added ingredient of waning celebrities, determined to take that last shot at glory. Delusion is rife, gargantuan ego’s clash, and dignity is never, ever an option. Who will melt down? Threaten physical violence? Who will drown in their own tears and sweat? And one plucky C-lebrity is going to beat the odds and rise the top!

It’s humiliation versus jubilation, and we’re going to find out exactly what episode one was all about... after the jump!