Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Celebrity Apprentice Recaps: Episode Eight!: Guess Who's Back!?

Just when you think you know what’s going on, Celebrity Apprentice manages to pull the rug out from under us again. And then it positions said rug precariously on top of Donald Trump’s gigantic head.

If you’ve been following the ongoing tantrums and tension then you may be shocked (but probably not) this week as titans collide, tears are shed, voices are raised, profanity is bleeped, and a redheaded menace rises from the dead.

Join me after the jump where I’ll reveal all...

We immediately rejoin last week’s mid-firing War Room session at the point where self-centred faux-firecrotch Aubrey O’Day appears to have taken herself out of the game and Arsenio Hall is losing his shit. He continues to scream and rant at the surviving players, referring to the absent Aubrey as both a “bitch” and a “whore”.

Now, if you’ve been keeping up then you’ll know that there’s no love lost between irredeemable monster Aubrey and I, but in this instance I think that Arsenio is waaaaaaay out of line. His ill-chosen words and behaviour lack grace, class, and are offensive to... oh... everyone. Yes, Aubrey has been a handful, and I think that - in light of some her more cruel jibes - she could even be described as a “bitch” at times. But never when angry and yelling, and the “whore” comment is seriously uncalled for. Arsenio should be smarter and know better. Aubrey doesn’t deserve that.

But Aubrey doesn’t need me, her Internet White Knight, to protect her. Luckily she has loud-mouth Lisa Lampanelli who is 100% right in her assessment of the situation, but seems incapable of expressing herself without screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs. She loudly proclaims Arsenio’s idiocy and warns him that he risks his image and career and will inspire the hatred of women everywhere.

Things heat up even further when Miss Universe Dayana and meaty lunkhead Lou Ferrigno return from the boardroom, thereby revealing Dee Snider’s ousting. You can see the steam shooting out of Lampanelli’s blazing red ears. She bemoans how she is now saddled with two morons with a combined five brain cells, and apparently in her tirade refers to Lou as a “fucking loser”, a point of contention that will come back tenfold as this episode continues.

Holy. Crap. We’ve only just started! How do we move on from here...

The Task, the company responsible for selling booklets of discount coupons want the teams to make a 60 second commercial showcasing the fact that coupons can now be found online. It’s all super inspiring.

Real housewife Theresa volunteers to project manage Clay, Arsenio, Paul the Walrus and... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS! Aubrey O’Day is standing there among the other contestants as if nothing even happened! How. Is. This. Even. Possible? We saw her exiting via the “You’re Fired!” elevator! I thought it descended into a fiery pit of no possible return. It just doesn’t make sense!

Aubrey explains that she represents an anti-bullying charity, and after being bullied by Arsenio she feels she needs to stand up, fight back, and rejoin the game. Personally I’m amazed, because after some of her mean snipes at other contestants, I was convinced she was PRO-bullying. Oh well... Aubrey’s back. But has her attitude changed? Time will tell.

On the other team, Lampanelli damn near shits a kitten when Dayana forcibly puts herself forward to lead the team. To make matters worse, magician Penn is pissing off again to do a show, so for the bulk of the task Lampanelli will be required to wrangle the easily-distracted Dayana, and the ape Lou. She is going to totally flip her lid, and I feel privileged that we have front row seats.

Theresa’s Plan
First up, Arsenio clears the air with Aubrey, telling her that he was under great emotional stress due to his connection with the charity he was playing for. Apparently it was this pressure that turned him into an intolerable, screaming, misogynistic asshole. Aubrey kind of forgives him, but not really, and will probably destroy him later.

Despite the fact that a previous episode’s innuendo-laden mop commercial was a universal failure/piece of shit, Theresa’s team decide to do the exact same thing again here. They conceive a commercial in which an irate dad played by Walrus Paul, bursts in on his teenage daughter - Aubrey - who he thinks is unzipping some dude and jacking him off. The stuffy executives are going to love that.

Amazingly, Aubrey and Arsenio are reasonably well-behaved. Aubrey takes a couple of confession cam swipes at Theresa’s clueless direction, but on the whole she is more humble and respectful. And I hate to say it but she looks super hot.

Speaking of super hot, the best part is when Walrus Paul is given a makeover to become the super straight father. His tattoos are covered, his hair is parted, moustaches is coloured, his earring is removed, and he dons glasses and a sweater. Everybody oohs and aahs about how adorable he looks and even I want to hug him. Paul’s a good guy and I admire how willing he always is to get the job done and support his team.

Dayana’s Plan
On Dayana’s team, something equally surprising is happening. Dayana and Lampanelli are actually getting along! It turns out that when Dayana takes charge she is actually focused and organised and quickly wins Lampanelli’s hard-earned respect. In fact the only problem is meat-man Lou whose constant unwanted suggestions are giving everyone the shits.

For the commercial they hire two young, unknown actors who pretend to be in love and obsessed with using coupons. It rubs Lou the wrong way because he thinks that he should star in the ad because he is an “actor” and can do “anything”. Lou seems to have zero understanding of his star power, abilities, limitations, or the blue planet Earth.

Theresa’s Commercial
At first the executives seem to squirm at the faux handjob - even though what is really going on is clearly shown on the screen from the beginning. Despite a salacious performance by Aubrey, it should be no surprise that Walrus Paul is the breakout star, especially his three second, “WHAAA?!” reaction shot down the lens. WHAAAA!???

Dayana’s Commercial
A kinda’ cute fast-talking couple play out their entire relationship from meeting, dating, marriage, and children, while using coupons like a couple of desperate cheapskates. It’s almost funny, and almost charming, but not really. And it’s kind of creepy at the end where the guy goes, “how about a baby carriage?” because he leans in and says it like he’s propositioning her for something else.

The Boardroom
Now we get into the ridiculously and arbitrarily long, stretched out, 40 minute boardroom session, which requires so much padding that they actually have the audacity to show each commercial in its entirety again.

Theresa’s team are relatively behaved, Audrey and Arsenio are chilled, and Theresa successfully dodges the forced “who would you hypothetically bring back to the boardroom if you lose?” question, saying that she would bring everyone back because they all did well and worked as a team. This rankles the bear-like Donald because it doesn’t allow him to force fake drama into his drawn out farce. He threatens that if he such a thing happened he might fire two people but it’s as hollow as an Easter egg and nobody gives a shit.

Luckily (for the producers) the fireworks are quick to start on the opposing team. Dayana and Lampanelli are completely reconciled at this point, but it’s a hulked out Lou Ferrigno that takes the first shot. In a total dick move he starts by warning Lampanelli that she is “lucky she’s not a man” because if she was he would “throw her through that wall right now”. Lou, WTF?

I know I tease Lou about being a big lunkhead etc, but he hasn’t been a bad guy... up until now. Lampanelli calls him on it immediately, yelling at him for threatening a woman, and Lou tries to ineffectually qualify his statement by saying that he’d never hurt a woman, and would only cause physical harm if she was a man, but it’s still not even remotely cool. This statement makes Lou appear to be nothing more than a muscle bound thug who has watched and participated in so many action movies that he thinks violence is the only way to solve a problem. Even at an empty threat level it makes him come across as a bully and a baby. I’m not a Lampanelli fan, but she’s 100% right again, even though she still can’t put across an opinion without shrieking like a banshee. I’m not exaggerating either. Seriously, the other banshees would be like, “Geez... can you tone it down a bit, Lisa?”

There’s no contest really - Lampanelli destroys Lou who flails and backpedals while her wide open paint-stripping maw hovers dangerously close to his face. The reason Lou is upset is because of Lampanelli’s “effin’ loser” comment from last week, and the Trumps grill her on this, but despite a weak half apology for that comment specifically, Lisa doesn’t back down .

Project Manager Dayana has to choose two people to bring back with her to the boardroom. Lou is the obvious first choice, but that leaves Lisa and Penn for the second. I’m thinking please, please, please bring back Lisa so that the fireworks continue. Naturally the mighty, faultless Penn is excused and Dayana, Lisa and Lou get a brief respite in the foyer before going back to face the fake-tanned finger of Trump. Speaking of which, how orange is Trump this season? Is he part Oompaloompa? But the craziest part is that he’s all tanned except for the pale white rings around his eyes. He looks like a reverse raccoon.

In the foyer a more timid Lou tries to appeal to Lisa’s non-existent better nature. She stares him down and says, “I meant every fucking word”. Hahahahaha.

Back in the boardroom and the only thing that can happen happens. Trump gives Lou the heave-ho. Lou responds with the lamest attempt at a Jedi mind trick ever. “Take it back. I don’t want to be fired.” It doesn’t work. GTFO, Lou.

So there you have it, folks. Lou has been vanquished. And ZOMG next week’s episode preview has some serious promise. The teams will be working with the Henson company, making and performing Muppets! And Lisa cries an actual river! Unmissable! See you then!

1 comment:

  1. I must say I had a serious surge of righteous rage when Aubrey reappeared. She does bad things to my blood pressure. Granted I think Arsenio took it too far, but she's been presented with a million and one reminders to pull her head in, stop being obnoxious and let the project managers be project managers, and seems to have ignored them. She's got a weird combination of massive insecurity and massive vanity. And it makes my skin crawl.