Sunday, June 17, 2012

Comic School Review: X-Men #3 (1964) Beware of the Blob!

Didn't you and I have a super blast when we read X-men #1? So much so that I felt it was high time that we checked back in on Wheelchair Charlie and his band of Merry Mutants. I chose X-Men #3, written by Stan the Man Lee with art by Jack the King Kirby! And imagine my astonishment upon seeing the cover and realising that in this one the X-Men turn against their fans!...

That's a picture of the X-Men attacking frequent forum contributor BobXfan39 or, as they have cruelly dubbed him, "The Blob!". Bob is mostly home-bound and on this particular day didn't have any T-shirts that weren't covered in food stains. Lay off him you X-thugs, he's entitled to his opinion!

I bought this one right here on Comixology and if you want to read along with me you should certainly do the same! Now, let's find out exactly who the real bad guys are... after the jump!

Our story opens in very typical early X-fashion. Wheelchair Charlie is as creepily menacing as ever. Mopey Cyclops is being a self-pitying dick. And Ice Man is being a cocky cock and annoying the crap out of Angel and Beast...

These are supposed to be training sessions, but Chuck Wheelz doesn't really run a tight ship. It really just seems to be a forum for idiocy and reckless horseplay.

How about some stricter rules in this chaotic X-Mansion? Here, I'll give you the first rule: If you're going to wear boots then you've got to wear pants.

I guess that these days Charles has a lot on his mind because he's soon distracted when he senses that another unspecified mutant is close by. Charles has the monopoly on mutants so he wants the X-Gang to root this poor sap out and bring him/her to his madhouse right now. 

Remember how horny the X-Teens were last time we checked in? Well not a lot has changed. Angel immediately hopes that the new mutant is hot dame, and then the focus shifts to which guy is going to get to "team up" with sexy fire-crotch Jean on the mission:

Scott "Cyclops" Summers sulks because he truly loves Jean unlike these randy dolts that simply want to bang her in the back of the Blackbird, but jesus Scott, if you're going to wear a red plaid suit and skulk around like a sourpuss then what do you honestly expect. Guy's going to need some game before he gets a shot. 

Charles tells Jean to be careful and she tells him not to worry his creepy, hairless, gigantic head. But wait... what's this!? Is this what really has been on Chuck's mind all along...

Professor X is hot for Jean Grey too!? I had no idea that such depravity lurked between the Prof's huge ears! Now it all makes sense - Charles isn't crippled at all! He just needs to keep seated with a blanket over his lap to hide his constant, crippling hard-on! 

But Angel literally sweeps Jean off her feet and speeds off with her in his convertible, the rich prick, searching for the mysterious new mutant. But not without some misadventures first! Iceman, Bobby, sees a guy inexplicably burning paper in the street. Is he a mutant? No, it's just some bizarre pyromaniac asshole using a magnifying glass to harness the sun. Beast Hank thinks another dude is floating up in the air but soon discovers that he is actually standing on some apparently invisible and incredibly sturdy glass. Beast must walk into windows all the frigging time.

But it's crybaby Cyclops Scott who finds the prize! He wanders into a carnival where a stern-faced fatty nicknamed "The Blob" has been trotted out for the general public to climb on. Don't get stuck in one of his folds!... 

The Blob proves to be pretty indestructible, even when a cowboy shoots him four times with a rifle. The bullets just bounce out of his hardened man-ham. It's uncanny all right!

After the show the Blob relaxes in his shorty-shorts in his trailer and Scott skulks in and is, "Hey, fella' you heard of the X-Men? We're a groovy gang and you should come to our mansion and rub our Professor's head for luck!" and Blob's like, "Dude, I don't give a shit about the X-Men. I got a sweet gig here with all the candy floss and tiny clowns I can eat. Get out of here before I knock you out!" And Scott pouts.

But then Jean Grey saunters in all sexy like and the mood instantly changes. The supposedly "immovable" Blob feels some movement in his pants...

And that was the last that anyone saw of Jean Grey.

Ha! Not really. Blob puts on his one shirt and he heads back with them to the X-Mansion to be "trained" by the Professor. He's not too impressed by the set-up though, and soon he starts to act like an arrogant douche...

Iceman attacks him and the Blob instantly pwns him, which amuses the cruel Charles who offers Blob a position on the team. Blob isn't interested at all though because he has his sweet gig at the carnival, where he eats all the scraps he wants and gets laid on the road. Then something truly frightening happens...

Holy shit! What are you doing, Charles? Let's get this straight... Blob is a douche, absolutely, but he's been minding his own business and earning an honest living at the carnival. He gets invited to come to a mansion which he grudgingly agrees to but when offered a new job and complete lifestyle change, he decides that it's just not for him. So what does Charles do? He threatens the guy, tells him he can't leave, and decides to start tampering with his mind! And then the frigging X-Men attack him!

Blob defends himself from the crazy, pumped up teens and, like any sensible person would, he gets the hell out of there! Can you blame him! Seriously. What is going on?

Charles X is wicked pissed so the gang starts planning to kidnap the totally innocent Blob, but before that can happen... this weird stuff happens...


Look, no one is going to blame the Blob for what he does here. Terrified by the X-Men's threats, he rallies the entire circus together to attack the X-Mansion! It's a pre-emptive strike, which is what America was built on! So now clowns and strongmen, and elephants and acrobats, and common or garden variety carnies are launching an attack on the lawn!

But I don't think that the X-Men are taking the attack very seriously...

Beast, you buffoon! You're making him angry!

The X-Men don't give a crap that this is a hard-working carny community with a strong sense of loyalty. They don't even give a crap that there are innocent animals here. Look at Cyclops pwn the shit out of this elephant!

The Comics Code Authority is the only thing stopping us from seeing that elephant stripped of its skin!

Look, the fight goes for a fair few pages. Beasts bashes an endangered gorilla, some acrobats take a tumble, finally Blob manages to subdue most of the X-Fiends and confronts Prof X, no doubt to attempt a citizen's arrest. But Jean uses her mental wiles to free the X-Bastards and Cyclops bursts in and blasts the floor under Blob's chunky feet!

Wait... they're not giving HIM a second chance? He's a victim! And now he's a Blob stuck in a blob-hole and Cyclops is rubbing salt into the wound by calling him "Chubbins". Son. Of. A. Bitch!

Wheelchair Charlie takes the opportunity to wipe Blob's mind of the entire lawsuit-justifying criminal incident, no doubt erasing some happy memories and cognitive functions in the process, and lobotomised Blob is set free. He goes back to the carnival where redneck gawkers get to point at his distended gut for 25 cents a pop!

Is this the saddest X-tale that's ever been told? What an epic tragedy! What did we even learn today? Fat people suck. But fire-crotches are awesome!

For shame!

Catch up on past Comic School Reviews right here!

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