Saturday, May 19, 2012

Let's Talk About the New (Green) Arrow TV Series!

Superheroes are so hot right now that you could make a million dollars just by stripping to your underpants, tying a towel to the back of your neck, and running around the street, punching things. I made $125,000 doing that just this morning, which isn't too bad considering my socks were still on. Well, CW has decided to also cash in on this craze and in the wake of Smallville are releasing Arrow. A series about hooded vigilante/billionaire/archery enthusiast Green Arrow.

Why no "green" in the title? Because "green" is box office poison, you dolts! Nobody wants to conjure up images of Green Lantern, Green Hornet, Brian Austin Green, Tom Green, or Soylent Green (which is people, by the way). It's not easy being green - unless you're Eva Green, and then you're easy on the eye.

Here's the trailer:

To hear my self-important commentary and see another clip, join me after the jump!

Is the world really in need of this much archery? There's no doubt that we've all recently warmed to both Katniss Everdeen and Hawkeye, but they debuted huge budget pop culture EVENTS. Does it benefit Green Arrow to be the third best archer, making his first appearance on a cheap TV show? Oh wait, let's make him fourth best, because I forgot Archer from the animated series Archer. And when you start as number four, where do go from there?

I don't watch a lot of mid-range action/adventure TV shows so this all looks depressingly cheap to me, kind of like one of those direct-to-video superhero movies that you'd find on the shelves in the late eighties and early nineties. It's dark and gritty but empty, with a muscular star who broods a lot, and is sour-faced and serious about things, but has very little else going on. There's zero personality or humanity in any of this, highlighted especially here in this clip entitled "Just Beginning':

And then other issue is the character. I've read the very first Green Arrow comics and I hate to say it but they kind of suck. Even for the time period. Silver Age Superman and Batman were a ton of fun, but Green Arrow always came off as a bland Batman clone. He was a billionaire, he didn't have any powers so he honed his physical abilities, he created gadgets and specialised weaponry (in the comics he even had his own arrow car and a boy sidekick called Speedy). But Batman works because he is so steeped in mythology and inhabits a well-realised city teeming with colourful inhabitants. Conversely, Green Arrow was as boring as batshit.

Sure, the character evolved, grew a beard, and became somewhat of an anarchist, and I especially enjoyed his portrayal in the Justice League cartoon. But that Green Arrow was kind of wise and suave and had been through some shit. He understood the world. This new TV Green Arrow is a scowling model who woke up one morning and decided that he really wanted to stab people to death from a distance. Time may prove me wrong, but I don't see much of a spark of intelligence there - just a masturbatory exercise sequence.

That said, when I first heard that soap opera star turned singing/dancing showman, weakling Hugh Jackman was going to be portraying Wolverine I was mortified, and look how well that turned out. Maybe Arrow will only fuel our archery fever and we'll all put on hoodies and shoot each other with home-made arrows. And maybe the show won't take itself TOO seriously.

In fact, I'd prefer my Green Arrow to be a little more like this:


  1. more like "Super frown face"

    I wonder if they can make a series work where a guy goes around murdering people whose names are written down in a notebook.

    Season 2 would probably be
    "I just found out my dad had another notebook"
    "I think that's just his rollerdex"
    "You would say that... SINCE YOUR NAME IS ALSO WRITTEN HERE!!"
    "NO WAIT!!"

    1. That's pretty much Deathnote, as I understand it...

    2. OKAY FINE it has been pointed out to me that Deathnote is in fact the direct opposite of Tims series.

      But there's a notebook, yes? That makes me half right.

  2. Maybe he'll have to rely on other people's lists.

    "Here's a list of Ten Worst Films of 2011. Okay Michael Bay, you knew this was coming..."

  3. I wouldn't say completely opposite. Dude writes some other dudes name in a note book and they die of a heart attack then he eats a chip. There's also some maniacal laughter involved. This green arrow looks like he never laughs or even smiles.

    I was just thinking what a ratings booster Luke's idea would be. They'll need to do something, maybe bring in another dc hero