Monday, June 4, 2012

Comic School Review: Green Lantern #7: A Tribute to Pieface!

So with the entire Internet still buzzing about how Alan Scott (the original Green Lantern) is gay now, I thought I'd better dig deeper into the far-more-suspicious Hal Jordan archives and purchased issue #7 from the sixties. Sure enough Hal was up to his usual deep-in-the-closet tricks but what shocked me the most was the back-up story, Wings of Destiny, featuring his then best pal.

Yes, I am talking about the unflatteringly named Pieface, the "Eskimo grease monkey" who is coloured so yellow that Hal's ring could never possibly cause him harm. I seriously could not make this stuff up. Why wasn't Pieface in the movie?

Here's Hal having no doubt one of many Pieface induced nightmares:

Goddamn quit it, Pieface and let the man sleep!

Written by John Broome with art by either Joe Giella or Gil Kane, this is a startling tale of cultural insensitivity. Join me after the jump to see the myth, the legend, the pieface himself!

So as you saw, Hal is troubled by nightmares in which Pieface annoys the ever-living shit out of him: 

Jumping fish hooks indeed! Poor, naive, diminutive, dipshit Pie, begging for help from the chiselled American hero! And don't you think that - even in his subconscious - this is a totally dick move from Hal? I mean Green Lantern flies all the time without having to turn into a bird. I'm sure he could fire a harmless green energy beam at pie and effortless lift him into the air. But no, his ring is going to turn him into a frigging seagull. Because his ring can do that now apparently. Even though the seagull he creates isn't even green!

Anyway things take a turn for the worse when the dreaming Hal inadvertently sets off his ring which beams a charge of energy next door (they share a house?!) and does indeed turn the real, sleeping Pieface into a bird!


Now here's where the plot thickens, because this is actually the day when Pieface's long-estranged childhood sweetheart visits America from whatever backward heathen country she spawned from. Hal is supposed to drive Pie to the airport but there's no sign of Pie. Why? Because Pie is a frigging seagull!


So Pieface only thinks that something is up because he's kind of itchy. Not because he's a tenth of his original height, has wings instead of hands, and his eyes have shifted to the sides of his head. No. This mystery requires a mirror!

Superstitious moron Pieface naturally assumes that he has been targeted by some kind of (incredibly bored?) alien villain so he immediately flies off to find his pal Green Lantern. Who... uh... is next door, right?

But no. Hal is getting restless waiting for Pie and begins to form a plan of his own...

The foreign simpleton will freak out without her pie! Hal must fill in for the Pie! He will become the pie filling, as it were!

He flies to the airport as Green Lantern but gets hassled by the seagull on the way. Pieface was difficult to understand when he was speaking English and is impossible to understand as a bird, so GL shoos him away. Then, after a couple of panel flight, he needs a convoluted way to get back into his costume again. The writer struggles with finding the sense in this, so the editor comes to his aid and tries to make sense of it too. And fails:

Jesus, Hal. Next time drive to the airport. 

Pieface's sweetheart, Terga, hasn't disembarked the plane for some reason, so Hal enters to find out why. Turns out she's scared as all shit and being hit on by the pilot:


But just as Hal is about to educate this primitive in the ways of the red-blooded superior American, a bunch of hijackers storm the plane and order the pilot to put it in the air!

The criminals foolishly ignore Hal in his burgundy suit so he changes back into Green Lantern and charges the cockpit. But something goes amiss and Hal does the lamest hero move EVER: 

HAL YOU CLUMSY, JAR-JAR-BINKSIAN MORON! That seat is probably totally padded too. Green Lantern's essentially head-butted a pillow and knocked himself out. No wonder he needs to wear a mask!

The villains see Hal's exposed buttocks and figure out a hasty plan to plug it:

But then wouldn't you know it! Pieface the seagull crashes through the window and hassles the crooks! This gives GL the opportunity he needs to regain consciousness and save the day! Hooray! 

But then Pieface is so horny that he tries to make out with Terga and nearly pecks her eyes out with his beak!

Finally Green Lantern understands that the bird is his best pal, Pieface! Embarrassed by the whole ordeal, he transforms Pieface back (wait... I thought his ring didn't work on yellow... Doesn't this story undermine the entire premise that Green Lantern is founded on?) and Pieface is reunited with his long-lost love.

Later, Hal takes Pieface and Terga on a double-date with himself and faux-girlfriend/handbag Carol. Not that they can understand a word these two are saying...

HA HA! WHAT GOES ON? Nobody knows for sure!

And that, my friends, is your introduction to Pieface. Now tell me... WHY CAN'T THE MOVIES BE MORE LIKE THE COMICS?!

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