Wednesday, November 30, 2011

My Skyrim Diary: I Will Fill My House With Cheeses!

It's been weeks since I shared my first Skyrim Diary where I regaled you with epic tales of bloodthirsty, horn-helmed adventure! And much has happened to my heavy eye-linered, alt rock, Nordic wench since then! Yes, I've become a werewolf, led the Companions, became a homeowner, joined the Thieves Guild, battle witches, pwned pirates, murdered dragons, and inadvertently managed to lose many very expensive horses.

But those are all run-of-the-mill experiences! Anybody can experience those, and I'll wager that many of you reading have already done just that! So what of the unique experiences - the adventures that were enjoyed by my character, and my character alone? Skyrim is a vast, open world and it was time for me to carve out my niche and find my own destiny! And then it hit me...

I will fill my home with an inordinate amount of cheese!

To read about my rapidly blossoming cheese empire, join me after the jump!

My home is a nice little cottage in the city of Whiterun, fully decked out with modest furnishing and resided over by my Government approved housecarl, the beautiful brunette warrior Lydia. Now I think Lydia would make a fine same sex wife, but despite the fact that I am a Thane, a werewolf, and cut a fine shape in Dwarven armour, Lydia just doesn't seem to be into it. I'm wearing the amulet of Mara, I've spoken to a priest about marriage - I feel like I've done all the right things, but as loyal as she is she just doesn't seem to want to be my first wife. (I say "first" because my true love is the redheaded assistant in the Hag's Cure). I need to pull out all the stops to impress Lydia and I think the best way to do this will be to fill my house with delicious cheese.

This is a screenshot of Lydia lifted from the Internet. It is not me killing her.
But first some unfinished business...

You may recall that in my original tale I spoke of the elven archer companion who I murdered on a desolate road. When my real life girlfriend accidentally deleted my save game at level seven, she rebuilt my character from the ground up, retracing all my steps, re-earning all my equipment, and completing all my quests - but there was one exception - she let the elf live. At the time I took it as fate, and decided I would leave him be, to live his life peacefully in Riverwood, chopping wood. Now all that's changed...

And it changed because of two things. Old and slow-on-the-uptake, I had not realised that you can pick up and move around dead bodies, and that anything you place in your home will stay there. Forever. This was the foundation of my brilliant idea to redecorate. But my home needed a worthy centerpiece. It needed a dead elf.

So I dismissed my long-time companion Lydia, who chose to chill upstairs, and I headed down to Riverwood, teamed up with the elf, brought him back to Whiterun, invited him into my home, took him upstairs and cracked open his head with my axe. I stripped him off, pocketed his valuables, dragged his corpse downstairs and shut him in my alchemy lab. We'll find a proper use for him later. Right now it's just a relief that the deed has been done. My original evil action has been restored.

But now I'm all about cheeses. As I quest, I will gather all the cheese I can find, whether I have to buy it, forage for it, or outright steal it. Any kind of cheese will do. Yellow cheese, green cheese, goat cheese, lizardman cheese. If it is a pungent substances that has originated from an animals body then I want it in my backpack! Cheese in slices or, most valuable of all, the mighty coveted cheesewheel. Some cheesewheels are missing a slice and look like Pacman. I love Pacman. That shit cracks me up.

So I gather a lot of cheese. I am rich with cheese. You hear that, Lydia? We are rich with cheese! All the cheese you can dream of is yours! And there's more cheese to come. I will scour all of Skyrim if I have to, in order to fill our home with the finest cheese.

But when I get back home I realise that if I'm going to commit to this properly then I will have to make sufficient room. So I run around the house grabbing every plate, cup, pot, kettle - every single decoration that isn't a book (I'm a reader) and I gather it all up, take it outside, and I throw it in the street. So now there is a huge pile of miscellaneous crap outside on the street in front of my house for the townsfolk to trip over. It looks like a rubbish dump. It looks like hobos have camped here. No one does shit!

Now I've cleared some precious space, I start manically unloading my first round of cheese. My initial focus is the kitchen table which I weigh down with many wheels of delicious cheddar. It's like a dream come true. The room turns yellow. Breezehome? More like Cheesehome! AM I RITE, GUYZ?

I don't want our elven friend to miss out on the cheese party, so I drag him out of the alchemy lab and prop him up at the cheese buffet. It's like an art installation. It couldn't be more perfect. I openly weep.

But, of course, this is merely the beginning. There's far more quests to complete, dungeons to explore, and cheesewheels to pilfer. When my sack grows heavy I will be at peace to know that I am merely weighed down by a zesty cheese-haul. My resolve is strong. I will have all the cheese. My adventure continues.

If you know of cheese-rich places in the world of Skyrim, let me know about them in the comments section!

Update!: Okay, so while searching for appropriate images I discovered this thread on Penny Arcade where I see that some bright spark has already filled their house with an inordinate amount of cheese! In fact far more cheese than could possibly be imagined!

However, it seems like these images were probably generate on the PC using a mod which spawns items. I will be harvesting my own cheese the old fashioned way on the PS3. I will never settle for cheat-cheese!


  1. Ah Skyrim, so many possibilities. I accidentally killed my husband, and I had to drag his body to the basement of my Solitude home. He will remain next to my Enchantment table forever. CHEESE! I want my house filled with cheese :D

  2. haha I like how this game has turned people into serial killers.

    I think this is the guy to beat though

  3. Sheogorath is only pleased with good-cheese, not cheat cheese. Thus you will ultimately appease the Prince of Madness.