Monday, November 28, 2011

Clone Wars Recap S4 E11: Kidnapped!

Now that giant Muppet Jedi bastard Krell has been dispatched, it's time to embark on a brand new adventure - this time starring rockstar dude-bros Anakin and Obi Wan! Wait... whaaa!? After such a long hiatus, do we even remember who these guys are? Obi What Ken-What-Now?

A tribe of Togruta colonists are missing and the truth behind their disappearance has potential to drive Anakin Skywalker totally darkside wacky! Let's get to the bottom of this tomfoolery after the jump!

Okay, so let's pop into Star Wars School and get a few rudimentary facts in order. Togruta = the red-skinned, horn-headed species of Jedis Ahsoka and Shaak Ti. And for the first time here we see them hanging out in their natural environments - Native American styled tents that are shaped liked their heads. (I wish I lived in a house shaped like my head. It would be very round. Like a mighty egg!). The Native American design carries over to the tribe's chief who always looks just a second away from weeping about a polluted river.

So it turns out that despite the fact that the only two Togruta we already know are kickass fighters, the Togruta as a people have no warriors, so when Dooku and his Separatist thugs roll into town offering "protection" the Togruta quickly roll over and submit to their sinister plans. By the time reckless Anakin and prissy Obi Wan turn up to the party, the Togruta are gone and the head-village is empty.

Or is it? High in a tower, watching over the village is the new villain-of-the-week Slaver Wolverine who has proudly sent off a shipment of Togruta slaves!
Slaver Wolverine enslaves the owl from Sheera!
Slavery? Uh oh! Don't you guys remember that young Anakin "Are you an angel?" and his mother were slaves back on Tatooine?! Anakin is totally anti-slavery, you guys,and he gets super mad super quickly. The darkside is brewing and he looks like he's about to scale the tower with his bare hands and choke a bitch.

Obi Wan plays diplomat and decides to go and negotiate with Slaver Wolverine himself, so he goes up to the tower where Slaver Wolverine says he'll surrender, but it's all slaver bullcrap and it turns out he's covered village with bombs! He'll blow up buildings and possibly the missing Togruta - which is confusing because I'm pretty sure they're not even there any more. But Obi Wan isn't going to take the risk, so he tries to stall Slaver Wolverine. Apparently slaver wolverines have some cultural code where you can challenge them to unarmed combat and if you win you can boss them around for a week, so Obi Wan fights Slaver Wolverine while Ahsoka and Anakin rush around the city to diffuse the bombs.

Now, here's where the timeline is a bit screwy because it must take them a couple of hours to run around the city disarming everything, and during that time Obi Wan has the holy living shit beaten out of him by Slaver Wolverine. Without his lightsaber and his force powers, Obi Wan is about as effective in fisticuffs as a moist towelette, and limply crashes into a thousand walls and floors as he is totally pwned by the furious fists of Slaver Wolverine - for at least a couple of agonising hours.

Finally Anakin finishes the job and Obi Wan cowardly reneges on his gentleman's agreement and pulls his lightsaber, but Slaver Wolverine pwns him a 300th time and drops an explosive battle droid on him. Bad ass Wolvie makes his escape on a ship full of caged exotic animals, unsurprisingly convinced that he's won.

But not so fast, girlfriend. Obi Wan might be a sissy baby but Anakin is a man of action! He jumps three miles onto the ship, and carves his way in and is almost raped by a tentacle monster. He confronts and harshly threatens Slaver Wolverine and nearly hulks out darkside but Ahsoka pulls Anakin back and they capture the slaver instead. They reconvene with Yoda and the Jedi doods and they all agree that slavery is not cool and they are totally going to get the Togruta back so that they can live peacefully in giant facsimiles of their own heads.

It was a pretty good episode - great to see Anakin back in action - and I really hope that it's all a big set up for Anakin going crazy nuts on some slavers in the following parts. I hope we see him do something so awful that we all blush, and that Asohka Miley Cyrus Tano is the sole witness and has to carry the burden of his terrible secret.

Slavery is a sad face.


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