Tuesday, April 10, 2012

F**k Yeah Game of Thrones!: Episode Two, The Night Lands/Game of Boners!

Our house has been firmly gripped by Game of Thrones fever! Symptoms include drinking mead, murdering infants and skinning deers.

As the tension in series 2 continues to build, my girlfriend and I have re-watched all of series one on Blu-ray, and have begun our epic journey through the special features. Just a heads up: on episode 3 of series 1 there is a commentary track by the children that play Bran, Arya, and Sansa. If you want to hear a bunch of giggling kids sing the Game of Thrones opening theme and then watch and comment on a graphic R rated episode then this is NOT to be missed. Godammit, I love Game of Thrones!

And if you want to know more about the terrible things that happened in Series 2 Episode 2: The Night Lands, then join me after the jump and we can bump fists and totally geek out!

Much like last time, I won’t attempt the fool's errand of recalling events in the exact order that they played out in the show. Instead, we’ll check in with each group of major characters and find out what new monstrosities have transpired. And don’t forget that I am an illiterate who has never read the books - so everything that happens is a mystery/surprise to me! I'm like a newborn discovering the world. Picture me on George R.R. Martin's mighty lap as he plays an elaborate game of peekaboo with me.

Last week we opened with a child’s birthday party in which a man split open another man’s head. This week we appropriately open to Arya, a young girl disguised as a young boy, who is taking a piss in the river. Critics be damned, it's a high brow show!

After Arya bashes the hands of some rapists in a cage (can you imagine being cast as an extra in Game of Thrones? PROUD FAMILY: So what do you play? YOU: Ohhh... Rapist #2), the City Watch intrudes on the in-transit Black Watch. The city guards are hunting for a rogue boy. Naturally Arya assumes it’s her, but nope, it’s Gendry the blacksmith who is dead King Fred Flintstone Baratheon’s bastard son. But the head guy of the Black Watch isn’t having a bar of it and he switches into calm, collected mode while holding his sword against the City Watch guy’s nuts. We also get a quick arachnology lesson on the spider's arse. Needless to say, the pussy guards high-tail it and Gendy gives a big sigh of relief. I don’t know what the future holds for Gendry but it looks like he’s being prepped for becoming a central figure on the show. Hopefully wearing a bull helmet while banging milkmaids and cutting off heads.

Later on, Gendry reveals that he's figured out Arya’s really a girl, so she reluctantly reveals that she is the daughter of the late, great (and now considerably shorter) Eddard Stark. What I love about this amusingly written sequence is that it continues to shatter any misconceptions that people in fantasy stories all talk like faux-Shakespearian, high-falootin’ sissy-elves. Gendry immediately apologises for “talking about cocks" and "pissing in front of her” and his continued teasing leads Arya to knock his dick into the dirt.

But now let’s switch to the series' real hero, the super-smart, manipulative, wise-cracking imp, Tyrion, who returns to his King’s Landing quarters to hear his lady, Shae, giggling with an unseen somebody. It turns out it’s Varys, the rotund eunuch, and through a lot of smug double-speak he attempts to forge loyalty from Tyrion through veiled threats of exposing Shae’s presence to Tyrion’s cranky father (Tyrion was forbidden to bring his “whore” to King’s Landing). In previous episodes characters have responded to Varys with an equal amount of smug double-speak and subtle menace, but Tyrion isn’t putting up with any of that bullshit. He calls Varys out immediately and makes it clear that if he threatens him again he’ll be thrown into the sea. Tryrion is the best character ever, and this is but one of three acts of badassness that he carries out in this episode.

Later, he fires the head of the City Watch over dinner, remaining infuriatingly charming until the point where hidden guards drag the protesting man away. He then promotes his lackey, the crazy maniac Bronn, to become the new commander, which should lead to all sorts of unexpected chaos and nonsense for the Queen. Speaking of Cersei, Tyrion’s final act of badassness is a verbal slapdown where he tells her that she’s a numbnut, and is ruling like an idiot, and that everybody hates her. Tyrion is three for three and easily the most valuable player right now. They should put him on the Iron Throne and let him wear Shae like a crown.

And then things start to get really porny. When we switch over to Little Finger's brothel we get some of the more graphic softcore sex scenes we’ve seen, culminating in a hastily wiped chin and a suspiciously sticky kiss. At times I’ve enjoyed Little Finger, but he’s a total jerk in this scene, creepily threatening the crying prostitute who is quite rightly mourning last week’s murdered baby. Little Finger doesn't give a shit. Not in this economy.

Things are also bleak for Daenerys who is still exhausted, desperate and stranded in the middle of nowhere. One of her horses returns but any hope is quickly squashed when the rider’s severed , fly-blown head is found inside the saddlebag. Considering that Daenerys finished last season as an empowered goddess - nude and covered in baby dragons - this is a soft start for her character. If I were here, I'd tie a dragon to each foot and fly away on my fancy dragoskates. Although I'm sure she'll unleash before too long.

Theon Greyjoy, however, is doing plenty of unleashing, trading his sword for his cock and happily shagging his way around the wilds of Westeros. Things get porny again as he bangs a girl on a boat en route to the Iron Islands, furiously frotters a girl on a horse en route to the castle, and then awkwardly discovers that aforementioned girl is actually his sister. I guess that with Jamie and Cersei forcibly separated, we need to fulfil our incest quota somewhere. Is there something you want to talk about, George?

Theon’s father proves to be a fantastically embittered old salt who repeatedly emasculates his estranged son, mocking his fancy attire. To be fair, Theon’s clothes look like a medieval Lando Calrissian bought a Bedazzler. Theon wants his Dad to give the Stark’s some superfly ships to go into battle with it, but Big Daddy Greyjoy isn’t having it. He refuses the offer of a crown, preferring instead to pluck it from the corpse of his enemies. If you thought the Game of Thrones was purely between The Joff and Rob Stark, you’d be dead wrong. There are so many contenders for the crown right now that I’ve had to start a spreadsheet.

The true heir to the throne, Stannis, and his men, also want some ships to attack King’s Landing, so Davis enlists the help of an unsavoury pirate who seems more concerned about what’s going on between queen Cersei’s legs. Davis wants a naval battle, and the pirate wants to battle beneath Cersei's navel. Meanwhile, Stannis himself gets pounced on by ethereal redhead Melisandre who promises to pop out a son. I’m assuming this is a massive development because Stannis bangs her on top of his giant war map, metaphorically fucking her atop the world and sending the assembled military units flying.

And finally, let’s check in with that bastard Jon Snow. Fatty Hot Pie is potentially causing a ruckus with the Wildings by showing an interest in one of Caster’s forbidden-fruit daughters, Gilly. Hot Pie wants to take Gilly with them when they leave, as she is pregnant and worried about what will happen to her child if it is a boy. Which is great, because I was also worried that we’d fail to meet our baby killing quota. Jon Snow doesn't want to help at all. The inconsiderate bastard.

Sure enough, at the end of the episode Caster abandons a crying baby in the woods where it is taken by an unseen character. Foolhardy Jon Snow happens to be watching from behind a tree but Caster gets the drop on him and bashes him in the head. Everything goes for black for Jon, except for the scrolling credits. Shit just got real, yo.

This is still very much a set-up episode but I am highly anticipating that point where everything goes characteristically crazy. Having just re-watched series one I feel very assured that nothing is wasted and every moment has a pay off. Do we really have to wait a whole other week?


  1. I hates the waiting!

    also this line "Little Finger doesn't give a shit. Not in this economy." haha priceless

  2. SO GODDAMNED GOOD. I dont think it's a sad thing that GoT is like the illuminating light that gets me through my week. So incredibly awesome.

  3. Theon 'Fingerbang' Greyjoy. Champion.

    1. I heard that in the book he also fingerbangs the horse.

  4. Ok you may find this hard to believe, but you can't nickname Sam Tarly "Hot Pie". There is ALREADY a character in Clash of Kings named Hot Pie!! He's one of the orphan boys that Arya and Gendry are hanging out with in Yoren's care...

    What are the odds?

    1. No coincidence! I just got mixed up. I thought for some reason that Hot Pie was Sam's nickname. I'll leave it for prosperity but fix it in future recaps. Thanks!

    2. oh OK I thought you independently thought of it...how crazy would that be!!

  5. oh yeah and if you need more incest, had Viserys not traded Daenerys to Khal Drogo, they would have been married,as is tradition in House Targaryen. Her parents were brother and sister too!

    It's a running theme...

  6. Soooo good... also the (mostly) unseen character who takes the baby at the end had bright blue glowing eyes: methinks it be a White Walker.

    1. We must be due some White Walker action. I'm waiting for this series to explode like the last one did. As I said, I haven't read the books and I'm keeping strictly spoiler free, but I'm hearing a lot of people say that they liked Clash of Kings even more than Game of Thrones. People don't usually say things like that unless a book has a strong ending!