Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Comic School Review: Amazing Spider-Man #6 (1963): The First Time Spider-Man Pissed Off a Lizard!

In theatres across the globe, Monday-hatin’ Garfield Spider-Man is on the big screen, dealing with the consequences of pissing off a lizard. Now that’s all gravy, but what about back that time back in the sixties when the comic book Spider-Man first pissed off a lizard? How did all that go down? Why don’t we find out just how closely the movie matches the comic? Which lizard was more pissed?

Amazing Spider-Man #6 was written by the frighteningly prolific Stan the Man Lee with art by the totally badass Steve Ditko. I bought it from Comixology for $1.99 and you can too if you want to read along with me. You can even sit on my lap if you want to. Just saying.

Find out what it takes to piss off a lizard... after the jump!

Firstly, this article is posted purely for informational and educational purposes. Lizards are very dangerous creatures. Please don’t use any of the following techniques to piss one off. NEVER knowingly piss off a lizard.

So in the swamps of Florida some kind of man-lizard is feeling extremely protective of his environment. Stupid white people with rifles are running amok and shooting at his animal friends so the Lizard is all, “Get out of here, you rascals! This is my home!” 

So the stupid white people, of course, shoot at the lizard but soon realise that lizards are 100% bulletproof so they run away shrieking like school girls. Satisfied with this, the Lizard is just chillin’.

But those lolly-gaggers in New York can’t stop yabbering about the Lizard! They have Lizardmania on their minds. Especially dubious editor-in-chief J. Jonah Jameson who is becoming obsessed. So much like when the X-Men cruelly harassed sideshow performer, Blob, we have a situation here where the Lizard is totally minding his own business in the swamp and it’s actually Spider-Man that goes after him. You see, J. Jonah runs some inflammatory headlines which are essentially, “I Bet Spider-Man Could Punch the Shit out of that Lizard and he’s Kind of a Pussy if he Doesn’t at Least Try.”

Now let's take this opportunity to talk about the Peter Parker of the early sixties. Essentially he is a dorky, square-headed, bespectacled, smug, unappealing turd. His biggest weakest is his rampant poverty (and anything in a skirt) so he actually thinks that getting a couple of snaps of the Lizard is a good idea that will make him some fast cash. No, Peter. It's a bad idea. Lizards hate that.

So, as Peter Parker, he goes and schmoozes with J. Johan Jameson and tries to get the assignment but Jameson is like, "Nah, I was all full of crap and probably drunk when I wrote all that. I think the Lizard is as fake as shit and I'm not going to pay you to ponce around Florida, you stupid idiot. Get out."

Maybe Stan needed to fill up some pages because then we have a big diversion as Peter stops some gem thieves on a field trip to the museum. I guess Peter is there to soak up information on lizards, but how reliable is the source here?

So let me get this straight... If dinosaurs were smarter they wouldn't have been crushed by a giant meteor? Makes sense. I guess...

After Peter changes into Spider-Man and defeats the jewel crooks, he inadvertently wins the heart of pointy-titted classmate Liz, much to bully Flash Thompson's dismay. She's got a big lady-boner for Spidey and I suppose that's going to be important later. Or not.

So now Peter is focused again and decides he really needs that cash, probably to buy whiskey and condoms to seduce Liz. Knowing that Jameson is a stubborn hardass, Peter has no option but to terrorize the shit out of him:

I do genuinely love Stan's dialogue here! Spider-Man is a wise-cracking super dick who causes hilarious mayhem at the expense of others. Once Jameson is all trussed up, Spider-Man goes, "Listen, dickhead, I'm going to go straight to Florida and punch that stupid lizard in the chops so you'd better get a photographer down there pronto if you know what's good for you. Use Peter Parker. The man's a God!"

Spidey changes back into Peter and starts macking on Jameson's secretary. Jameson burst out and says, "You're going to Florida, you square-headed shit! And I'm going with you!" Total bummer! How is he going to change into Spidey while lugging around his loud-mouth boss?

It could all be a moot point anyway because twisted crone, Aunt May, needs to provide Peter with permission for the trip:

Yikes! Aunt May looks rough! I blame a life of servitude. Peter shamelessly cons the old coot like a used cars salesman. This Peter has no moral compass.

Anyway, Jameson and Petey land in Florida and the latter quickly ditches his boss by pretending he needs to buy equipment. Instead, he changes into Spider-Man and starts trawling the swamp looking for trouble. He quickly stumbles across the Lizard but does he leave him alone? Oh hell no. He goes out of his way to piss him off!

Grabbing a lizard's tail is the last thing you want to do! That totally pisses them off! In a rage, Lizard flicks Spidey a million miles into the undergrowth where he lands in a tree... and hears a woman crying!

Okay so there's a house out here and the woman is crying because - PLOT TWIST! - her husband is the lizard! No, it's not a bestiality thing, her husband was a kindly human scientist who lost his arm in the war, and was studying lizards in an attempt to grow it back!

Sadly we didn't get to see the scene where he was chopping the rabbit's legs off to begin with.

Anyway, he managed to grow back his arm but it also turned him into an intolerant lizard! So as his humanity began to ebb away he ran off into the swamp to hide, for fear of hurting his family! 

Now, I make fun of these old stories a lot, but I think that this Spider-Man is genuinely one of the best written. There's a real dramatic core here because Spider-Man needs to take the Lizard down and try to cure him, but he doesn't want to hurt him in the process - or get hurt himself! It's a real moral quandry in the Marvel manner and I actually kinda' dig it. I can see why Spider-Man became their flagship title!

So it gets a little comical here. Lizard bursts in, smacks Spidey's ass, and then disappears again. Then Spidey decides to use his own superior science skills to make a serum that will reverse the Lizard transformation. But then the pissed off Lizard bursts in again and totally smacks Spidey's ass again. And then runs away. He reveals that he's going to give his own lizard serum to other lizards and then they will become super lizards and then a whole bunch of pissed off lizards will take over the world! Time for Spidey to get pro-active...

That kid is right to be worried. Look at what that idiot is doing! Have you ever seen a spider web? How the hell do you make shoes out of that that can walk on water. Who do you think you are, Parker? Jesus? You're not. You're making a fool of yourself.

So Spider-Man tracks down the Lizard at an "old, abandoned Spanish fort" with FULL INTENTIONS to piss him off! Has he not learned anything? Just go home, Peter! This will only lead to more trouble!

And sure enough the pissed off Lizard returns with a bunch of riled-up alligators. What a mess!

Well, you reap what you sow, I guess. There's a big punch up and it's only blind luck that allows Spider-Man to take momentary advantage of the Lizard's rage and force feed him the good serum. The cure works and Curt is returned to his original human form. But sadly without his long-lost arm. But his wife and kid don't mind! Because that's the arm he used to hit them with!

And then something really awkward happens...

"Held you in my ARMS" AWKWAAAAARRDD... 

Mission accomplished (assuming said mission was to piss off a lizard) Pete returns to Jonah Jameson and presents him with photos of the lizard. But that maniac Jameson is still furious! He STILL thinks the Lizard is a phony and rags on Peter for handing him a hoax! Stopping short from slapping the crap out of him, he sends him back to New York in disgrace, without the cash, and with threats of having to pay for half the hotel! That's karma, Peter! Suck it!

But do you think that worries the smug, square-headed shit? Nope! He dodges Aunt May's plea for help with the chores and hornbag Peter tries to land a date! And if Betty isn't available, then why not set sites on pointy-titted Liz from the museum...

Dammit! Cock-blocked by his super alter ego! Looks like another furious night of spider-masturbation!

What a tale, huh!? Will it measure up to the film? I'm going to find out TONIGHT! So expect a review of it in the next day or so. One thing I will say is that I'm surprised at how the film Lizard actually looks more like the original comic lizard with the flatter, more human face. First you want things to be like the comic books and then you don't want them to be like the comic books! What the hell is wrong with you people!?

Lots more Comic School Review RIGHT HERE!


  1. The laws the United States of America passed is worse then a comic book, I mean really, calling compliments, "unwanted" "sexual" "hassling"? lolwut.

  2. It is a offensive insult to me for you to think you have the right to call my compliment of your beautiful,big bosom and gorgeous cleavage "irritation that supposedly is "sexual", and to make it an illegal crime to add further insult to injury. It's disrespectful to pass a law that incriminates men that compliment breasts and cleavage of women is unamerican and unpatriotic. Mr. Baruch Obama, why do you want to keep a lie for a law like this alive and in effect for?

  3. We apologize for the inconvenience the sexual harassment law has caused you guys and how we have used that as a weapon against all of you who have complimented our big bosoms and bustlines to make you out to be the bad guys when all you guys are not.