Saturday, December 22, 2012

El Professore Movie Reviews: Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny

Director: R. Winer
Starring: Jay Ripley, Shay Garner, Pat Morrell, Bob O'Connell, Ruth McMahon
* 1/2

If Hell does indeed exist, then I'm pretty sure that it would have a spot reserved for the makers of 'Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny'.

Full review after the jump.

The 'story' of this no-budget wonder centers around an especially creepy Santa who's sled is stuck in the sand on a Florida beach. Where are his reindeer, you may ask? Well, they were too warm and flew home to the North Pole leaving Santa to bake in the unforgiving Floridian sun. Unable to move his sleigh whatsoever (nevermind that the sand appeared to be only a couple of inches deep) he telepathically summons (through terribly out of tune singing backed with a kazoo score) local kids to help him (this sequence is shot in slow motion and has all the charm of a hallucenigenic nightmare). The kids prove to be of no help so Santa conjures up several animals to help move his oddly unmoveable transportation; the most notable of which is a gorilla (man in moth-eaten monkey suit). Still, success eludes our creepy old elf. With nowhere to go (much like our story), Santa settles the bemused (and obviously bored) children down and tells them the story of Thumbelina. Now here's where the film seques into an earlier (and decidedly better looking) children's musical... complet with it's original credit sequence! Yes a movie within a movie featuring two sets of credits. The Thumbelina section actually takes up a good two-thirds of the proceedings (probably a good thing; I can't imagine watching Santa stuck in sand for a full ninety minutes) and while no less creepy, would have probably been preferable children's fare than the mish mash we have here. After a good hour or so, the Thumbilina film ends (with seperate end credits) only for the unfortunate viewer to be transported back to the beach. At this point, all hope appears lost for Mr. Claus when suddenly appears his old friend, The Ice Cream Bunny (yay... I guess). Mr. Bunny is riding what looks like an old fire engine through the woods (and taking his sweet time about it!), when he decides to take an extended 'short cut' through the 'Pirates World' attraction (damnit!). FINALLY arriving on the beach, he and Santa mumble to each other and The Bunny gives Santa a ride on his truck. As they leave, Santa's patently unmoveable sleigh just disappears. The traumatized children are left on the beach. THE END.

What's there to say here other than if you do obtain a copy of this 'magical' motion picture, be sure to share it with that relative (or relatives) that you're anxious to remove from your humble abode. I guarantee they will look at their watch and suddenly realize how late it's become...

The one saving grace with this X-Mas mess is that it served as a particularly hilarious Rifftrax (as in Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett of MST fame) episode. As unwatchable as it is in it's original form, it was transformed into a must-see by our heroic trio of vet riffers. The clip I'm sharing is from the Rifftrax edition (because, I want all of you to still like me afterwards).

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