Thursday, September 8, 2011

New Toys!: Island of WTF SRSLY Misfit Toys!

Have you ever received an email that makes you pause? Like a crazy spam email with a subject line that is so unbelievably insane that you have the immediate urge to share it with your friends? Like, "How Deep Does Her Dark Grotto Go?" (100% real), or "Have You Seen My Missing Dog?" and they're writing from Zimbabwe? ("Not unless your dog is a seriously good swimmer, my friend!").

Today I got a strange email from a company I actually subscribe to. The current newsletter from online collectibles store Entertainment Earth contained a couple of items that had me rubbing my eyes in disbelief, pinching myself, and throwing a bottle of whiskey over my shoulder. I mean, seriously, what kind of misfit collectibles were these and just who exactly were they intended for?

Three items stood out in particular. The first is this guy:

I'll say more about him in a moment, but this is the one that I actually kind of like. The remaining two are head-scratchingly crazy-wretched. And one of them is quite astoundingly  Not-Safe-For-Work, not that it stopped the fine folks at Entertainment Earth from sending it to me. At work. Where I inadvertently opened it.

Join me after the jump. You're going to regret it!

Firstly let's deconstruct that flat, munted Batman. Look, I do get it - I love designer vinyl toys myself and I do collect them. I also like it when a designer does a bold new take on an established character. I'm cool with that. But there's something about that Batman which is less artsy and more random. Kind of like a kid cut it out of construction paper. I'm not sure if it will elicit it a, "Oh, nice! Which artist designed that?", so much as a, "Oh Jesus! WTF is that? Did you make that? Did you? Own up to it if you did! That thing makes me uncomfortable".

So I guess Batman is from a new line of "vinyl with an edge" called Blox. It follows up other failed attempts at capturing the vinyl market such as Chunx, Thingamajiggerz, Hoozitz, and Whut-teh-Fuggerz.

I'd still buy it. You can pre-order it here for $20.

But Batman Blox is just a warm up. Here's where we really begin to descend into madness...

Feast your eyes on this high-end collectible:

Yep! It's Garfield! One of the blandest, most inoffensive, but unfunny characters in cartoon history. He's a fat cat! That's his thing. That's pretty much it. This statue will remind you of the fact in case you ever forget it. Seriously. Look how fat he is!

Here's a task for you, Dear Reader. I would like you to go into the comments section and describe the decor of the home that this statue is placed in. You may use photoshop if you wish. I will update with the best ones. How does this look in a room? Who lives in this house? That's no party I want to go to.

You can pre-order this delightful Garfield statue here for the bargain price of  $387.99. Stop! Don't be outraged, what I haven't told you is that this was HAND-SIGNED by Garfield creator Jim Davis! And that is actually pretty damn impressive! Impressive he didn't get a ghost artist to do it!

Hahahaha - I'm just kidding! I love you, Jim! And I had so many Garfield books as a kid. So don't get angry at me, Mr. Davis, because you shaped this sardonic sense of humour. I LEARNED IT FROM YOU. And I hate Mondays, but I sure love lasagna!

Okay, I'm going to apologise in advance for this last one, but look, these guys sent it to me and I am an innocent party. I'm just reporting the news. And the news isn't always pretty. Or safe for work.

They call this a Queen's Blade Cattleya Damaged Weapons Dealer Statue.
WTF is that and who is it for?!

Here's the description:


  1. so much horror on one page. I don't know if Garfield or Miss Spread offends me more.

  2. Both of them seem like useful things! If you see the lady statue in a dude's house, you know not to have sex with him. And if you see the Garfield statue in someone's house, you know to get the fuck out of there as fast as possible because they're a serial killer.

  3. I stumbled across this post again and have to ask. How did Garfield's feet get so big? They look like oompaloompa cocks.