You guys, I have been sick as a dog for the last week. But today I dragged myself off the couch to tell you about America's Next Top Model: All Stars. I could have told you to go watch the damn thing yourself, but that would have been cruel. Because it was FUCKING AWFUL. Save yourself and read my recap!
Seriously, if I were not recapping this FOR YOU, I don't think I'd even be watching this season. And I love ANTM! But this season is ultra-shitty.
The episode starts with Tyra introducing a Branding Expert. Is there anything more yucky than the word branding? Yes, it is listening to someone talk about branding to a bunch of women who are desperate to be famous. The branding expert gives them each one word and tells them to reduce their personas to this one dimension, so that people don't get "confused" and turned off. As Bre dutifully parrots, "It's what people love you for, so you have a duty to give that to them." Kayla is told that lesbians were hot eight years ago, but they're not anymore and she needs to find something new. She is slightly stunned at this.
By the way, the opening to this season is the worst yet (I always say that but it's always true). It opens with Tyra (always Tyra!) trying on a tiara, and then she leaves it for the other girls to fight over. She is such an awesome role model!
Then it's time for Ty-overs! In case you don't know what a Ty-over is, because IT IS NOT A WORD, a helpful text box pops up to tell you it is a Tyra-inspired makeover! CUTE!
Ashlee Simpson is there to... help? She has a new album coming out (she makes albums I guess?) and Mr Jay says, "And with music, isn't your look SO important?" It's true! Your look is so important, with music.
As usual some of the girls are freaking the fuck out at the thought of their hair being cut, which always makes me wonder what they think a model's job is. Bre gets a super-cute short haircut and goes nuts and wants to go home. Yawn.
But after the Ty-overs (we are all legally required to use that phrase now) they are doing a shoot where they are to embody their branding word. With hot dogs! Each girl is to design their own hot dog and then pose with it, while embodying words such as 'free', 'candid', and 'inspirational'. With hot dogs. As a prize, their photo will be on a hot dog WEBSITE!!! The girls are really excited about this, because a) millions of people go online to look at the website for a hot dog stand in LA and b) there are not many photos on the internet and it's a hard place to break in to.
At this point I notice that one of the make-up artists is called Craig Beaglehole. This is the best name. Craig, if you want to use my drawing on your business cards, call me. We'll talk branding!
So the models all try to eat hot dogs in evening dresses while looking both sexy and candid/free/persistent/lovable/girlfriendy. It is pretty gross, you guys! I do not like to look at people eating a hot dog and I suspect that I am not alone in this.
Lisa, who is one of the Real-Housewives-looking ladies I talked about last week, is given the word 'daring'. She wears American flag pants to the judging and no-one yells at her. Her photo shows her with her mouth open full of green stuff.
And Tyra shaves Nigel's head.
Can I go back to bed now?