Sunday, December 4, 2011

Clone Wars Recap S4 E12: Slaves of the Republic!

Angry teen Anakin and sassmouth sidekick Ahsoka return today in Slaves of the Republic, the second part of the OH NOES, SLAVERY!!1 trilogy. When we last saw our heroes, a whole colony of Togruta had been kidnapped, your maiden aunt Obi Wan Kenobi had just had the shite beaten out of him by badass Slaver Wolverine, and Anakin unleashed his frustrations on a tentacle rape beast. Will the action continue to ramp up this week? Will Anakin, haunted by his childhood as a Toydarian sex slave, totally lose his shit? What we do know in advance is that Ahsoka is rockin' a new slave outfit and now lives in a cage.

Star Wars: continuing to remind us that slavery is totally wrong. Unless it's sexy.

Let's unwrap this episode after the jump!

Fun fact! Did you know this storyline was based on one previously published in a comic book!? That might be why, as fun as it was, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense!

Actually, it reminds me most of the plan to rescue Han from Jabba's palace. Now, I absolutely love Return of the Jedi and can watch those Jabba scenes until my eyes melt like that poor bastard at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But even the most stubborn apologist has got to admit that undeniable truth that the plan to rescue Han makes no fucking sense.

Firstly, they make poor Lando work there undercover for an undetermined amount of time, then they willing give up Artoo and C-3PO, then they give up Leia and Chewbacca, and then finally Luke waltzes in and does what he could have done right from the beginning - says, "Hey, give me back, Han". Sure there's a fight, but that was going to happen anyway. Why not skip straight to the fight instead of making Lando work as a guard for six months, throw Chewie in a dungeon, torture and scare the shit out of Threepio, and get Leia humiliated and molested by a giant slug! Okay, Artoo got to be a bartender and that was pretty cool. Bartenders get all the girls.

Well, Anakin is truly Luke's father because in Slaves of the Old Republic, the plan to rescue the Togruta colonists from the slaver homeworld is just as convoluted and ridiculous - and has some suspicious parallels. Anakin, Obi Wan and Rex all disguises themselves in Slaver armour and Obi Wan must have spent the whole night sewing because Ahsoka has some sexy new slave threads and poses as Anakin's bitch (unwillingly this time). So subterfuge is the name of the game, but it gets odd when Obi Wan and Rex split up to go and find the slaves and Anakin and Ahsoka try to arrange a meeting with the Slaver Queen... to try to free the slaves?

In fact it's kind of unclear exactly what Anakin is trying to accomplish. He shamelessly sweet-talks the Queen, gaining her interest by claiming to have murdered her former enemy. Then, like his idiot future son, he inexplicably gifts Ahsoka to the Queen, who he continually flatters and tries to seduce. For some reason?

Meanwhile, Obi Wan takes a far more direct approach and finds the Togruta leader in a slave pit, but when he attempts to rescue him, Obi has another bout of incompetence and is promptly shot in the back and captured. After proving completely useless in the previous episode, old Obi Wan is certainly having a bad run.

He winds up in a giant slave auction, presided over by the Queen (with Anakin) and she requests that Anakin go down into the main arena to whip three shades of shit out of Obi Wan, Devo style (whip it good) to prove his loyalty. So Anakin goes down there and you'd think he'd jump at the chance to take a couple of licks at Obi Wan Kenobi, but instead he totally pussies out and the fight is on!

So wait... just like in Jabba's palace, you guys ran around and did all this stupid crap - including sewing the costumes - just so you could have a fight? Why not just come in and start a fight, you giant dummies? So they have a fight, but they actually lose because there are far too many whips, so now Obi Wan, Anakin AND Ahsoka are all slaves. Good work, gang!

The Queen still has Anakin on her leash and clearly wants to bang him, but Ahsoka is in a cage on the side of a building and has been promised to some surly rapist. Obi Wan, meanwhile, gets transported to the same "processing" facility as the missing Togruta and the guy running the place does a badass show of power by dropping about a dozen unsuspecting Togruta through a hidden hole in the floor to their death. He's not a big burly fighter guy, so it's a pretty stone-cold warning to Obi Wan that if he tries any Jedi shenanigans then it's the other slaves that are going to suffer. Much to our amusement. Then the episode ends. We're going to need to see the final part if we want to know how they get out of this one!

As I said, much like Return of the Jedi, I really quite enjoyed this episode, even though I didn't make an awful lot of sense from it. It had solid action and visuals, and Clone Wars has a tendency these days to make everything come together in a satisfying way in the final part of the arc. Plus, let's be honest here, the show is going to tread water somewhat until the upcoming return of Darth Maul. I vote that his bottom half has been replaced by an old rollerskate! WIN!

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