Monday, August 22, 2011

Metal Mondays: Let's Talk About Metal Head from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Think Metal Monday I'm banging my head sideways and thinking laterally! I'm bursting to talk about a very different kind of Metal Head, first introduced in an episode of the 1989 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon! You remember him don't you? He's a robot ninja turtle created by the nefarious tentacle-brain asshole Krang, for some obscure, nonsensical reason!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Robot Aahfuhgeddaboutit...
What's Metal Head all about anyway? What's his deal? What makes him tick? Should we tolerate, deride or celebrate him? I'll tell you exactly what to think and feel after the jump!

When pink, throbbing, veined despot Krang is desperate to murder the ninja turtles (and this would benefit him, how?) so he concocts a fool-proof plan, one that is extremely cunning, and yet so obvious in its simplicity. It goes a bit like this.

1. Build Shredder a Brainalyser gun.
2. Shredder will shoot the ninja turtles in the head with said gun and extract a copy of their brainwaves.
3. Krang will build a hefty robot replica turtle.
4. Krang will upload the turtles personalities into the robot turtle so that it will think their every thought and anticipate their every move.
5. The robot, Metal Head, will then beat the shit out of the turtles.

Now, read that again while reminding yourself that Krang is a giant brain.

I'm no pink, squishy super-villain (well... actually, I'm at least two of those), but here's how I'd change up this plan. I wouldn't upload the turtle's brainwaves at all, because I already know what they're thinking. They're thinking, "Cowabunga pizza dude!" and "April has totally radical tits!" This would not help my killbot. 

In fact, to be honest, if I was Krang I would just skip the robot altogether and just equip Shredder with an actual gun. Possibly some kind of powerful shotgun that would easily blow apart a turtle's shell. And I'd just get him to shoot that at their heads instead. Problem solved! With those pesky turtles out of the way, Krang is now free to... uh... god knows.

Surprisingly though, Krang's plan does actually succeed - for a little while at least. Metal Head sure does beat the shit out of the turtles for a little while, but then smartass haXXor Donatello reprograms the robot to be their friend (even though he does go "wackazoid" for a while there as his multiple personalities wig out like a Jim Carey movie). By the end of the whole embarrassing mess, Metal Head's waiting on the turtles like thier robot slave nurse. Oh! Because did I mention that in this episode the turtles are suffering from "turtle pox"? No? Probably best that I didn't. 

(I'm actually a little disappointed that Krang didn't program the turtles personalities using an online personality test. "Pizza is an excellent food. Do you: strongly disagree, disagree, neither agree nor disagree, agree, strongly agree?" "Oh Shrrrrrredder! Should I tick agree or strongly agree? What do turtles eat?")

Despite really only starring in a single episode (although he cameoed in another and appeared as a boss in one of the TMNT arcade games), Metal Head was so firmly wedged in our collective consciousness that he was immortalised in a mighty plastic idol that would keep his spark alive!

Image gratefully lifted from the Virtual Ninja Turtle Museum. Go on! Check them out!

Check out Dave Rapoza's other astounding TMNT artworks at his site. He even makes Bebop look cool! Wow! Talk about polishing a turd!


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