Sunday, September 11, 2011

Banned in the USA! Here's Your Contraband Kinder Surprise!

America has a lot of awesome things. Old men carved in mountains, a giant lady made of copper, bald eagles, and Kat Dennings. But it doesn't have Kinder Surprises!

These delicious chocolate eggs each contain a small buildable toy! But Uncle Sam doesn't want you to have these. Oh no, he thinks the parts are too small, and that putting something inedible inside something edible is tempting fate. Simply put, he doesn't trust you or your parenting. And that makes this American Indian cry:

But don't fret, Dear American Readers! I got your back, bro! I have smuggled a couple of Kinder Surprise onto the Internet and I'm more than happy to crack them open and show you exactly what you're missing. Join me after the jump!

The toys are housed inside a plastic capsule which looks a lot like this, no doubt very appetising to your average American if Uncle Sam is to be believed:

"What is this? Some kinda' cheese pill? I will swallow it at once!" NO! DO NOT DO THAT!
The toys change all the time. Most are designed in-house and swing wildly from the ultra cool to the terrifyingly weird, with a new selection being available each year. However, there are also regular promotions where one in every two or three toys is from a licensed property. Past promotions have included Spongebob and Doremon (Japanese gadget cat from the future!). At the moment  it's those tiny blue rapscallions, The Smurfs!:

Papa smurf is package with a drug lab.
Also pictured: Nerd Smurf, Steroids Smurf, Panic Attack Smurf, and Midget Furry Smuf.
Yes, I got a lot of them - and yet still haven't found the two I want: the hardworking Smurfette, and filthy robe-wearing, hook-nosed, wannabe-alchemist Gargamel. Can you imagine cracking open a chocolate egg and finding a tiny Gargamel inside? That would be mind-blowing! It would be like eating a pizza topped with dollar bills! That's what you're missing out on America! Crack out the sharpies and get to work on your protest signs.

DID YOU KNOW that in January this year, a Winnipeg woman was fined nearly $300 for bringing a Kinder Surprise across the border? This is an erosion of your civil liberties!

You're also missing out on orange monkeys:

Orange monkeys who conceal minuscule rubber stamps that leave impressions of their shocked monkey faces! Faces contorted in shock because of your Draconian customs laws:

Kinder is exhaustively inventive. And they cater for everyone. Here's a surprise for when you're feeling particularly "yiffy":

And one of my favourites, check out this angry computer man - who has no doubt just googled a story about the Kinder Surprise shut out:

But look at his expression change when he realises that I've managed to smuggle some into your country via the World Wide Web:


 I think he speaks for all of us, don't you? Write your Congressman.


  1. That computerheadman is brilliant! I am going to start eating Kinders just for you, Luke.

  2. we used to have a kinder toy that was a blue, rubbery hosue on wheels. and as you rolled it along, the house bent from side to side. it was - weird. And apparently halloween themed. those crazy europeans

  3. how much do these cost? any way of me getting some? i would love those smurfs.

  4. Surely the Dorito taco is much more hazardous to the health than a Kinder Surprise... this reeks of conspiracy to me!

  5. Trav: They're about $2 each. The only issue is meltage - they're a very milk-heavy chocolate which means they melt when you blink at them

  6. Travis - The bigger issue is that it IS actually illegal to import them, or bring them into your country by any means. You want me to get waterboarded? No thanks!