Thursday, September 15, 2011

Recap: America's Next Top Model Season 17, Episode 1

That's right bitches, ANTM is back for yet another season of flogging a dead yet stylish horse! Join me for some hastily scribbled drawings as I try to explain what the fuck just happened!

In case you have not come across her, Tyra Banks is a power-mad monster with narcissistic personality disorder. This season begins in typical style, focusing on Tyra. Tyra is asleep in bed, but then she is visited by Tyra in a wig, pretending to be a past contestant. More Tyras appear! Any other show would use the actual contestants, but nothing makes Tyra happier than seeing Tyra.

So this season is going to be an All-Star season, and it looks like it might just be the most annoying season yet! The models will be competing to be a 'brand'! They'll be making a music video! They'll have 'celebrity' 'mentors'! And the first judging (please god let it only be the first judging) is live!

My only consolation is that my favourite contestant EVER, Laura the country cutie, is on this season! I love Laura with a completely unironic devotion. She is the sweetest thing for reals!
Some of the models are from early seasons and they look less like fresh-faced hopefuls than tired Real Housewives. Lisa ('wild child') and Britney ('party girl') are particularly depressing. The first shoot is in the backyard, and each model is helpfully portraying the role the producers want her to play. Shannon ('angelic') apparently caused a stir in her season by refusing to pose nude. Now she won't even pose in her undies because that's for husbands. She says she wants to be a role model. For who, never-nudes?
They try to get her to wear big lace undies that look like shorts, but she won't put them on over her revealing high-cut bikini briefs because Jesus wouldn't like it or something. Then Mr Jay tries to get her to put them on and she cries, which is why she's been brought on the show so all is well.

I guess they chose their own outfits for judging, because 'wild child' Lisa wears the most horrific thing ever on ANTM (and that's saying something): a stovepipe hat with a rainbow band. She looks like someone's drunk mum at a Creedence cover band afternoon in the park.

People boo Alexandria as she comes out, which is mean but not surprising because oh my goodness she sure was horrible in the last season. She and Britney are the last 2 but Britney is out because nobody can remember her so Alexandria is better for ratings. Britney says "Maybe I should have peed in a diaper," showing a lot of savvy about reality television. The traditional Photoshopped collage of the first photoshoot is hilariously bad, as seen above. 

This is going to be TERRIBLE.


  1. terrible but RIVETING. Damn I'd better get watching.

  2. I was like, "Yes! This will keep me from actually having to watch it!" But we both know I'm still going to watch it.

  3. Jess, I don't mean to be rude but you did a terrible job photoshopping that first picture.

  4. I don't think Jess did that. I'm pretty sure it was from AmerIcas Next Top Photoshopper.

  5. *whispers* Hey Campbell, I think that was the joke. :P

    The girl doing the splits behind the other girl's head is the clear winner in that photo.

  6. I'm a bit devastated that Kim isn't in this. She would beat up all these girls. Then kiss some of them.

  7. No, I'm pretty sure Ive actually thought Jess did that.

  8. We caught up on this last night, and you couldn't have given a more accurate description. I'm just disappointed that, at the judging, they didn't call Britney out for her gruff catwalk bellowing of, "YEEEAAAAAHDAAAAWWGZZZ!BRITNEYISDRUNKANINTEHHOOOUUUUSEEE!!!"

    I'm rooting for the wide-eyed Alice In Wonderland Girl. She's awesome!