Thursday, October 13, 2011

Rocktober: Hyperspace Hoopla!

I love Star Wars and I'll defend it with my weak, effeminate fists! I can defend ewoks, and gungans, and infinite tinkering. I can defend holiday specials and Bea Arthur singing. And I'll most definitely defend Uncle George himself. But I cannot defend this...

Described inaccurately as "hilarious" and "a highlight" the Star Wars Hyperspace Hoopla is a live stage show that runs at Disney's Hollywood Studios as part of their Star Wars Weekends. It features embarrassingly over-the-top performances by people in Star Wars costumes who dance along to contemporary hit songs by artists such as Lady Gaga and Ludacris. Ever wanted to see Darth Vader with a Michael Jackson silver glove showing you how "bad" he is? Jawa gangster rappers? Amidala dancing to Material Girl? Then allow me to hook you up with the following clip!

There's 18 minutes of this and I can't watch without fast-forwarding every four or five seconds. You cannot unsee what you are about to see. Yeah, I get that it's for small children - it's not for us - but why have an Internet if we can't be joyless and cynical together? Bend over your childhood and brace it for this!:

That's a snippet from the 2010 show. If you're not vomiting blood, join me after the jump and I'll show you the 2009 and 2008 versions. Rocktober ROCKS!

In 2009 kids of all ages could witness the crushing indignity of Princess Leia, Amidala, Aurra Sing, Ahsoka Tano and Zam frigging Wesell dancing to the Spice Girls. "Do you want to be my lover?" poses 13-year-old Ahsoka, chillingly. Vader does the Hammer dance. And Chewbacca looks like Kanye West. Don't do it to yourself, but if you're filled with self-loathing, check out this...

Was 2008 any better? Actually yeah. It's the best one, because it has Chewbacca, a Gamorrean Guard, a stormtrooper and some ewoks performing as the Village People. Because clearly, for young children, the Village People weren't already confusing enough. Stare into a seething well of hate:

Now doesn't that make those Blu-rays look pretty good?


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