Friday, October 14, 2011

Recap: America's Next Top Model Season 17, Episode 5

Welcome to the Blackface Edition of America's Next Top Model: All Stars! Spoilers under the cut.

Lisa is still around, and I still can't stand her. She talks about what a good opportunity this is to "brand myself." I'll brand you, Lisa. Just let me get a fire started. Angelea thinks the other girls look down on her, saying that "she doesn't know her mannerisms." Angelea, you are not doing a great job of breaking down preconceptions about models' intellect. She complains that no major agency wanted to book her after she was on ANTM, which she found baffling. Maybe she should have watched the episodes she was in?

There is some kind of nonsense about dividing up phone time for the models. Shannon says there is an hour and a half left so they can each have 20 minutes. Bianca suspects something is wrong with this math and asks Shannon about it. She does it very politely and gently, especially for Bianca, but Shannon immediately melts into a puddle of tears and pulls a martyr act, insisting that Bianca take her minutes. "I have a sensitive spirit!" she protests. Lisa starts yelling because Lisa doesn't like not yelling. "She's scared of dogs and I'm a pit bull," she later confides to the camera in a rare moment of self-awareness.

The challenge takes place on a boardwalk, where Miss J greets them dressed in what one of the models describes as "a fisherman's uniform." They will be modelling the Kardashian sisters' line of clothing for Sears, another example of the 'high fashion' that ANTM features. The models get very excited about the Kardashians, who are real role models for people wanting to be famous for nothing in particular. The prize for the challenge is… an outfit from Sears. High stakes!

But of course, there's a stupid twist, because that's what this show is all about! The models will have to step onto a moving carousel, then off, then on, then off. Just like in real modelling!

Lisa is first. She humps a horse, because of course of course. Angelea screams and whoops and then blows air kisses and says "hey girls" to the Kardashians. Miss J comments that she reminds him of "someone's alcoholic aunt." Bianca does a little pole dance.

Alexandria is determined to win. So determined, in fact, that she gets lost in her own metaphors. "I didn't sign myself up to play with some minnows in a little pond, I'm with the big dogs now. Let's fight with some sharks. We're gonna use our teeth, fins…" Sadly she doesn't use her teeth or fins on the runway.

Bianca doesn't win (Bre and Lisa get the 'prize') and she is pissed off. "I'm not a person who breaks easily" says the girl who bursts into tears at heights, dogs, or water. She is super-grumpy. It's boring.

Then Bre's earrings are insane. This picture is not an exaggeration. They are as big as her head. Is this a Thing now?

Also, can I stop a minute to talk about how much I hate Tyra's sign-off? "Fierce and love, Tyra." NO. FIERCE IS NOT A NOUN. GOD DAMMIT.

For the photo shoot, the models will be portraying Michael Jackson over the years. (Notably ending in the 80s.) LaToya Jackson is there to help with the shoot. Her smooth, unlined face and wide-open eyes are terrifying.

For this shoot, the white girls are given afro wigs, and Shannon, Allison and Lisa are put in blackface. Yup, seems like a good idea! Nothing wrong with that! Good work, television!

The photos all turn out pretty good, with a couple of exceptions. Lisa does yet another photo with her legs akimbo, this time doing a metal-style leap. You know, like Michael Jackson used to do when he was in Poison. Laura wins best photo because she is adorable and I love her.

But this week LaToya has decided the order. It gets down to Angelea and Lisa and I dislike both of them but Lisa's photo is truly wretched and I am sure she is going home. Tyra asks LaToya to announce the loser and… no-one is sent home?!? Because Michael loved everyone?!? WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Angelea tells the camera, "I feel like someone saved me. I don't know if it was LaToya, it could have been Michael, it could have been Jesus, I don't know."
"I died that thou may'st win Top Model."

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