Friday, August 12, 2011

Nothing Says Holiday Cheer Like a Golden Shower

In case you hadn't noticed, one of the ways I intend to contribute to Fruitless Pursuits is via specific 'articles', cause I want to have focus when I am over here. I intend to call one of these articles A Closet Full of Crap. Essentially I chose this title because I have a Basement Full of Shit, but A Closet Full of Crap sounds much better.


I am a Hoarder. A pack rat. Always have been. Probably always will be. It actually serves me well. Especially now, since after leaving Palisades Toys in 2005 to move my family to Ohio, then starting a company and watching it fail, I've been wandering aimlessly with no direction, having another job in the collectibles business that fizzled out after only one year, then more aimless wandering and some freelance. And the ONLY thing that has sustained my family throughout this entire roller coaster ride has been selling bits and pieces of that expanding and contracting pile of stuff.

So why not explore some of it? Because some of it is not only interesting, but some of it has STORY.

Here's the way it is going to work. I'm going to write my junk, and the picture above my text will expand to reveal a larger image. It's that simple. That way I won't gunk up these fine folk's blog space with image storage, I'll host my pics on my own FTP and just link them from here.

Every Christmas we do this thing called a 'White Elephant' gift. This is where the family members toss in a wrapped item into a pile, everybody draws a number to get in Sequential Order, and you start unwrapping gifts. There are rules about trading up and stuff.

It usually sucks for me. Why? Because I almost always get stuck with something I hate. But a couple of years ago I struck GOLD with this guy, the 'Little Squirt'.

Yes, every young man's dream, a psychotic hybrid of a vintage golf pro and Frisch's Big Boy. The packaging was VERY beat up and the figurine inside was a bit worse for wear, but I didn't care all that much, it was FREE, and I finally got a White Elephant gift at a Christmas party that I didn't, I mean...well, treasure dearly.

I don't know that I would go so far as to call this a 'vintage' collectible, since it was made in 1973, though you do call Kenner Star Wars toys made in 1977 'vintage', don't you? So I suppose I could call this figure a 'vintage' figure. Yeah...that's what I'll call it. Besides, it helps me to justify actually keeping it around.

So, the toy was made in Hong Kong, by a company called Emson Inc, that much I know. I did a LITTLE research to try to find out more about it, but I didn't want to spend all afternoon on it. Came up short, so when I fee like it I will go back to it. I actually did find a few versions of a doll like this, one that was VERY racist of an American Indian. I'm saving that for another post and I created an eBay search for it in case it ever pops up. You gotta love the know this was not created in the U.S., that's for sure.

OK, so what's it do? Well, if you had not figured it out by now, it PISSES on you! You fill the green area with water, and when you pull down the shorts while trying to shake the feeling of complete and utter perversion, a stream of water shoots out of the small metal rod that substitutes for the doll's ding dong. Surprisingly, you can get quite a few squirts out of a single fill up. And of course, lots of laughs at parties. And stares.

But will feel quite skeevy after playing with this thing for more than three minutes. Then you will have to put it away. But you will also feel compelled to check out the ass. Be prepared to be horrified to see what looks like a gigantic extended hemorrhoid dangling down from the butthole. This is the activating mechanism. From an engineering perspective (yeah...this is why I was studying it) it is really quite remarkable, especially considering that it is 28 years old and still functions PERFECTLY.

Yeah, of course he's smiling, after having his junk yanked again and again and again, in what amounts to some kind of crime somewhere I am sure. But it is SUCH a unique toy, unlike anything I have ever seen before in my travels that I simply can not give it up. So it remains preserved and (for the most part) unmolested, forever to reside in my Closet Full of Crap.



  1. You don't keep an item like this in a closet! It belongs in a display, or in a museum, preferably on some sort of marble plinth.

  2. Jebus. Who thinks of these things?

  3. That's amazing. The only things I ever get in the White Elephant are fake mustaches and Pam Grier DVD's.